Wednesday, October 18, 2017

On #MeToo and explaining ourselves

I wanted to write a short piece on the "Me, Too" trend making its way through social media, started by Tarana Burke many years ago to bring awareness to sexual assault against young women of color, and taking on new life in the wake of recent scandals as it highlights just how large the survivor pool of sexual assault and harassment really is.

I debated for several days on whether to step in with my own "Me, too" on Facebook. Of course, I could just write the two words and leave it at that, but I'm a writer, and by rights, I tend to overshare. I thought mostly of a story I didn't — still don't — feel comfortable sharing, and settled eventually on a story of a smaller act of male aggression and overstepping into my space when I was out with my young children and feeling vulnerable.

I received a comment on my post from a random dude on Facebook whom I don't remember friending, so it was probably for some Facebook game or other (I really should learn to add such people to a restricted list), who told me I was misinterpreting the situation. To avoid having to defend myself again and again, I won't repeat my initial story or his comment here, just the gist of the he-said/she-said dynamic. I said, I felt threatened by a stranger in public. He said, That guy sounds like he was just being nice, and you overreacted. Facebook dude also threw in some weird angle from my recent post at a reptile expo about how I trust snakes more than people, which kind of … um … maybe?


Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Brothers by the autumn tree


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Every autumn, we take photos in front of
a sweet maple tree outside our home
as the leaves change colors.



Alrik: 6 years
Mikko: 10 years
Karsten: 2.75 years

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Active attackers: How to survive as a parent with small children


 


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Here's an article I wish I didn't have a reason to write but that I feel I need to. If talking about assault scenarios like active shooters makes you too anxious, feel free to click away. My intent isn't to scare you more but to help you feel prepared and practice some safety tips, the way your family already probably has a plan in place for emergencies like a fire.

Now, I am not a tough cookie. I am not a trained martial artist or Olympic-level sprinter or law enforcement officer or indeed anyone who would be helpful in an active-attacker situation. The following is my take on what to do based on researching from people who know. I encourage you to do your own research and make your own determinations. Because:

1. The first step is to be prepared for what you will do in an emergency assault situation.


This sounds like an unnecessary prep step to skim over, but I assure you it's not. Most people's initial reaction to a public assault (shooting, bomb threat, car driving into pedestrian area) is to do nothing. This is due in part to a trick of the mind that your brain is much more likely to believe something usual than something unusual, so it takes longer for your brain to figure out what is actually happening in an emergency situation, or that it even is an emergency. I saw video footage of people watching the bomb fire on the London Underground and basically saying, "Huh," until someone authoritative yelled at them to run. (See the video here at about the :20 mark.) Like, duh, of course, and yet they just got their cellphones out and videoed it for awhile.

This ties in to a second reason we do nothing in emergencies. We are social creatures, and we look around to see if other people are freaking out and what they're doing about it. But if we're ALL just freezing in confusion, then the freezing reinforces itself. We don't do anything because no one else is, and they don't because you aren't, and so on. Until it's too late. I was on a plane where the oxygen masks dropped down. You've heard the safety spiel, right? What are you supposed to do when the oxygen masks drop down? PUT THEM ON. No one did. No one. We all just looked around to see if anyone else did, and no one wanted to look like the goofy person who put on a mask when no one else was. Everything was (relatively) fine; it was some technical glitch and we could all breathe without the masks, but it brought home this point.

Decide in advance what you will do when you think there's an emergency, and then DO IT, no matter if you're the only one. Be safe now; feel silly later if necessary.

This is all the more important if you have young children in tow. Taking action is going to be slower and more cumbersome for you, so you need those extra seconds you'd have wasted wondering what to do and if you should do it. Just GO. Because, point #2:

2. Run.


Don't hide or stay to fight. If there's a bad person intent on harming people in a particular space, the best thing you can do is DON'T BE IN THAT SPACE.

Get out. Grab your kids, and haul it.

Some subtips on how to accomplish the above.

  1. Be aware of your exits wherever you go. This can be accomplished in a way that makes you feel more like a secret SWAT team member than paranoid. There's a reason airlines emphasize all the exits, including the weird ones over the wings. They don't want you (a) wondering where they are or (b) remembering only the "official" exit you came in through. Same here. A lot of businesses seem cave-like, with only one official entrance. But most, for fire code reasons if nothing else, have alternate egresses. Consider employee-only areas like stockrooms and kitchens. Consider convenient windows. Consider emergency exit doors. It might sound silly to remind you of those, but I think psychologically we tend to gloss over those as possibilities since we're not usually allowed to use them. This would be the perfect scenario to give them a try.
     
  2. Leave your stuff. Don't lug your diaper bag or fumble for your kid's lost shoe. Go, go, go. People first, stuff later.
     
  3. Trust your instincts. If something seems hinky to you, get you and your kids out first and worry you overreacted later.
     
  4. Consider in advance which of your kids can run alongside you and which you need to grab in your arms. If you're not carrying certain children, see if you can arrange to grab a hand to haul them along. If you have older kids who can help move along younger kids, enlist them in advance. If your youngest kid is already currently being worn in a baby carrier on you, that's perfect for leaving your hands free to help an older. If not, you don't have time to strap in, so just grab and go. With a stroller or car seat-type carrier, if there are any obstacles in your path, it's probably best to grab just the baby and leave the gear, unless it's physically impossible for you without a stroller. In general, if you have someone to help you carry children or can rope someone into helping, use that. Again, though, don't wait for people to run with you if they're not. Tell people to get out as you go, but keep going even if they're not. The exception is if you're physically not able to manage escape with your children; then you'll need to quickly persuade someone nearby to help you out.
     
  5. Prepare older children in advance. I don't really want to freak my kids out by having active shooter drills at home. My kids are homeschooled, and I know they do these in schools now, but I think it's possible to do a generalized emergency drill without going into details of what scenarios are possible. Emphasize that some emergency situations might require you to evacuate, quickly. As with fire safety, remind them that people are more important than things and they should be prepared to leave a place immediately and leave any belongings behind. Teach them to take you seriously when you say something's an emergency (and don't abuse that term for any other situations), and to stay near you and run as quickly as possible if you say so. For even older children, those who might be on their own in an emergency, you'll want to go over these tips so they can be prepared to save themselves.
     
  6. As you're running, try to take any cover that's convenient. By this I mean, don't take the time out of running to hide, but if it's possible to run a direction that puts buildings, trees, or vehicles between you and an assailant, all the better. Most assailants aren't highly trained, and moving and obscured targets are hard to hit even if they were. Some tips will say to zigzag as you run through open spaces. I fear this may be hard to accomplish with an entourage of small children and might just slow you down. Consider your and your children's running ability as you decide now. If you want to zigzag, practice this running pattern with your kids in advance.
     
  7. Once you're far enough away that you feel safe, then take shelter. Call emergency services, take stock of injuries, and take time to rest. Your adrenaline will probably have carried you this far, but now you will have to handle the aftermath and tend to your children. 

For more information, I refer you to the steps disseminated by the Department of Homeland Security in order of preference: Run, Hide, Fight.


You'll notice I skipped the last two steps. That's because I don't think they're particularly useful for parents of young children. Crying babies and talkative toddlers don't hide well (nor do large groups), and how are you going to perform hand-to-hand combat while shielding your kids? But I do recommend going over these subpar options quickly in case they're what you're stuck with. Also be aware that you might have to do more than one of these three options and not necessarily in order. For instance, if you're in the direct path of an attacker, you might need to fight first and then flee. Think through some possible scenarios and what you might be able to handle as you deal with your kids as well.

Hide: If running didn't work or you're trapped, try finding a room with a locking door, maybe an office or family restroom. Barricade the door with anything that is heavy but movable, and then stay back and down and quiet. If you can get behind impenetrable objects like concrete walls or big appliances, do so. Kids can squirm themselves into small, unreachable spaces, but only if they'd be hidden rather than trapped. Again, escaping is better if possible. If there's nothing to hide behind, experts say to crouch against the wall that's next to the door.

Fight: If it comes down to it and a bad dude is lunging at you and yours, absolutely fight back. Might as well at that point. Resolve ahead of time that whenever someone attacks you, you will attack back. Don't be nice, and don't rely on an assailant's niceness. Just go full throttle and try to hurt him before he hurts you. There are some more ideas here, but a few tips are to enlist others' help (better for you if they can handle it without you as you stay with your kids, of course), take whatever weapons are to hand (fire extinguisher, swinging a chair, throwing a book, etc.), try to attack from the back or side if possible, and try to keep distance between you and the attacker by throwing or swinging weapons and then still fleeing if possible.

Here's a video I found helpful outlining each step in order of preference. It's one you could also show older kids who want to prepare themselves. For more sensitive viewers, skip to the 1:30 mark if you want to avoid most of the dramatization of violence. I've tried to cue it up for you below.


This is all assuming you alone are in charge of your kids in a public or semi-public space like a shop, place of worship, theater, restaurant, or the like. If you're in a school, airport, mall, or other organized space, authorities there might have procedures in place to direct you into lockdown areas. Without knowing the particulars, I can't tell you whether you'd be safer running or sheltering in those circumstances, but I know I'd probably err on the side of following authority figures who seem to know what they're doing. As noted above, we are sheeple at heart, so this might or might not be what's best in any given scenario, but if there's a coordinated lockdown procedure in place, that will likely end up at least being easier on you and your kids than running with them would be. As with the above, think about it beforehand and make your decisions in your own mind. Definitely obey any law enforcement personnel to increase your safety and avoid being treated as threatening.

The odds of being caught in such a terrifying situation are higher than they should be but still thankfully rare. I'm hoping none of you ever have need to follow these tips, but it's good to know what you would do should the unthinkable happen to you and your little ones.


Resources & further reading:

"What to Do in an Active Shooter Situation" at The Art of Manliness

"Teaching Your Kids What to Do in an Active Shooter Situation" at BusyMommyMedia — extra tips directed at children themselves for if you're together or separated during an emergency

FEMA booklet (PDF)

Department of Homeland Security Active Shooter Preparedness — resources and training



I'm Not Scared … I'm Prepared children's book & activity book





Disclaimer: Please remember I am not an expert, and you should do your own research and training! I hope you will never need any of this information, but I urge you to read further about what experts recommend during an active attack and determine what you will choose as your possible courses of action.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

That time we moved into IKEA



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Enjoy the slideshow:

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Unschooling and the lack of measured progress

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Excited about caterpillars
It happens every time I travel, and it happened again this summer. Inevitably I rub up against people who make me start questioning if my kids are learning enough, or the right things.

Sometimes it's the traditionally homeschooling mom who proudly declares how many grade levels above the norm her kids tested.

Sometimes it's the well-meaning relatives who quiz my kids on math problems and spelling and state capitals.

I don't have anything concrete to boast about. I've got three loving, respectful, curious kids, but somehow that's not anything specific to point to.

Mikko keeps surprising me by being ten years old. How did that happen? People asked what grade the kids were going into, and I was astonished to calculate that he's going to be a fifth-grader. Fifth grade! He's nearly in (imaginary) junior high.

What do we have to show for it? He was slow to read. I had to unclench from expectations there and let him learn at his own pace. I intermittently fretted, read a lot about natural learning, worried about dyslexia, gave in to occasional bursts of worksheets and primers that annoyed and frustrated him. In the end, he was, as in all things, determinedly himself. Just the other day, he bemusedly remarked that once you learn to read, you can't turn it off, and your brain just reads everything that scrolls past it. Yup, I agreed, feeling that wave of relief that he had come this far, mostly on his own and despite my anxieties.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Happy Back to (Home)school!

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We enjoyed our annual trip to the bowling lanes
to celebrate our first day of (not) back to school.


For those counting, we're now in fifth grade,
first grade, and (un)preschool.
You can tell they're homeschoolers by their uniforms, hey?


I love me some rented shoes,
and I'm digging the silver toes
on this shiny new pair.



Yes, we once again had balls stuck
partway down because 
the kids rolled them so slowly.


But we don't go to be good at bowling.
We just have fun.

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Wrong coast, wrong time: Feeling out of place at home

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Karsten getting the mail with Papa
We recently visited my parents in Massachusetts, and I surprised myself with the desire I felt to stay.

We moved to Seattle sixteen years ago. (Could that be right? Surely not. But math doesn't lie even if my memory of years passing does.)

Sam and I came off childhoods of regular motion, both of us moved from place to place at the whims of our fathers' employers. We thought we'd stay mobile as adults, but we hit the northwest coast and just felt instantly at home.

But I've struggled, particularly since having children, with the worry that we've chosen wrong, because our families are so far away, his in Michigan and mine near Boston. As our children and our parents react to time in the usual way by getting progressively older, I feel regret and the fear of all our time together slipping away with just these occasional visits, the empty spaces filled with Facebook photo uploads and texted jokes and messages.

When my firstborn was younger, I was a more defensive mother, and, in turn, my mother was more apt to offer advice and correction that caused me to chafe. We've both mellowed into our roles since then. She doesn't offer much direction or criticism anymore, and I don't think I'm always right.

So what was inconceivable several years ago — the thought of living near them peaceably in a way that didn't send our blood pressure jointly skyrocketing — is now a pleasant daydream. Living down the street from or across town or even in the same house as Nana and Papa. Just think of the free babysitting, the grandparent–grandkid cuddle times, the evenings we adults could while away playing euchre. And did I mention the free babysitting?

My mom keeps offering to build a mother-in-law addition on to their house. She points out cute real estate offerings near them. (The prices are just as uncute as here, but that's neither here nor there in daydream land.)

I keep smiling weakly and saying, Oh, I wish.

I wish.

Saturday, September 2, 2017

Hay, there: Fun at Remlinger Farms

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Every couple years, we score a Groupon to Remlinger Farms
and head out to Carnation, Washington, for some hay-based fun.





Do you see Alrik in the maze?



Helpful arrow provided.

Karsten two years ago and now:



That pudge!



Flop.

Two years back, we did a video of our adventures:

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Pass along your eclipse glasses


Did you watch the solar eclipse with your kids? Were you in the path of totality? We made do here with 92%, and the kids thought it was pretty neato seeing the sun looking like the moon.

If you're wondering what to do with your solar eclipse glasses now that the next U.S. eclipse isn't for seven years, Astronomers Without Borders is collecting them to use in classrooms in South America and Asia for the eclipse there in 2019. The glasses generally expire after three years (you can check yours to see), so they may not be safe for you to save till your next eclipse. So give them a new life by passing them along to another eager kid!

You can find details at the Astronomers Without Borders donation page, and find a local collection point on their map.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Parenting while owning a home business

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Sam and I have worked from home throughout our marriage: first telecommuting, and then owning our own online business of DVD sales. I wrote out our story in Working from home, Part 1 and Working from home, Part 2, if you want the background.

As we approached starting a family, we realized we wanted to continue to prioritize working together, but we knew it would take some sacrifices and shuffling to make working from home jibe with parenting small children.

Here are the pros and cons so far as we coparent and homeschool a ten-year-old, six-year-old, and two-year-old while running a family business for our income. This is from our experience and might not reflect your own if you already run a business or choose to begin one, but I hope it gives you some perspective on what it can be like.

Our Marriage

We started working from home by accident, but once we got going, we loved it. We had nine years together as a married couple before Mikko came along (well, he beat our anniversary by one day), and that was nine years of seeing each other nearly all day, every day. When we tell some people that, they groan or shudder, but we still really like the person we married! Now that we have kids and live in a(n increasingly) small(er) space, we've made the choice to separate more during the day so one or the other of us can have dedicated work time. We also rented a small and inexpensive work loft for storage and office space. So Sam and I don't see each other quite as much as before — but I'm guessing a whole lot more than most couples where one or both partners work outside the home. I totally understand why other couples would choose the work they do and know that not being together as much is a necessary evil in those cases, but I really do enjoy seeing Sam as much as possible and think it's helped keep our partnership strong.

Coparenting

When we were thinking of having kids, Sam and I knew we each wanted two things: to continue pursuing income and our passions, and to raise our kids. Having a family business has allowed us to divide those goals so we each get a share of both of them. We purposely chose this business in particular (after trying and discarding several others over the years) because it gave us the most income for the least amount of stress, leaving us time to share the parenting.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Happy tenth

Celebrating 10 years with Mikko, my firstborn.



He's the same age as my blog,
since my journey as a parent started with him
and inspired me to write about the
new road we were on together.

Looking back is always bittersweet,
seeing all the adorable stages gone in a blink,
but I love all the years we've had with him so far,
and enjoy and appreciate
the unique, determined, compassionate person he is.

We look forward to many more.

Happy birthday to Mikko.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Splashing in the wading pool



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We went to the wading pool
for summer splashy fun.

Here's a video of our adventures:

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Why do we gender children? — How to approach kids neutrally

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I have three boys with long hair, and one in particular who favors bright colors and sparkles, so I have something to say about our habit to gender people.

When we go out, it seems like everyone we interact with has to say something to make it clear they have interpreted these children as girls — whether it's a cashier offering a sticker as "one for you and one for your sister" or a waiter calling them "sweetie" (which I wouldn't have even caught but that sets off Mikko's spider senses) or a stranger outright saying, "What pretty young girls you are!"

Note a few things upfront:

(a) These are not mean or rude people. They're interacting with my children and doing so in a pleasant, friendly manner. I appreciate that a lot.

(b) There is nothing wrong with being a girl. Or a boy. Or a person born as a boy who identifies partially or wholly as a girl, and vice versa. There is nothing wrong with being gender fluid.

(c) This is probably the biggest one: I'm not here calling out individuals for being problematic. Heaven knows such individuals exist, but most of our interactions are with well-meaning folks. And I know that I am one of them! I'm sure I do this type of thing as well when I awkwardly try to interact with a stranger's kid. I'm more thinking of our culture as a whole and questioning why we feel the need so strongly to gender-identify people in general and children in particular.

Friday, July 14, 2017

Happy America Day!



When Mikko was young, that's what he called
the Fourth of July
, and it always made me smile.



Even now, the kids like shouting out,
"Happy birthday, America!"

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Turn a baby wrap into a kid hammock

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Did you know you can repurpose a woven wrap
into an indoor hammock?

If you're an avid wrapper, probably so.

If not, let me BLOW YOUR MIND.




I learned this trick when trying to break in
and soften up a new-to-me wrap that
was still a bit too stiff.


Choose a sturdy table,
and tie a sturdy knot.

Longer wraps can run the length of the table,
shorter ones the width.

Pro tip: You'll want to tie the hammock
tighter and higher than you think it needs to be,
because it will stretch down
once someone lies in it.


Then pop in a kid or two,
and let 'em chill.