This is one in a series of guest posts by other bloggers. Read to the end for a longer biographical note on today's guest blogger, Melissa from White Noise and Mothers of Change. Melissa shares how she navigated through sadness at her cesarean through to healing and birth advocacy.
Guest post by Melissa from White Noise
I had my first baby when I was 24. It took me awhile to get used to being unexpectedly pregnant, and many of the pregnancy milestones or discomforts felt like unasked for, alien body invasions. By my third trimester I finally felt emotionally settled in to the fact that I was going to have a baby, and was mentally preparing for a natural birth. When I was 36 weeks pregnant, I felt my fairly active baby make one herculean, earthquake-like somersault and wedge himself into my uterus head up, bottom down: breech. My doctor referred me to an obstetrician, who tried to turn him with an
external cephalic version two weeks later. My baby was bigger than average, and I am small and compact, so turning him was unsuccessful. A week later I checked into the hospital for a scheduled cesarean, because that is what the recommendation was for breech babies at that time. The Society of Obstetricians and Gynecologists of Canada has since reversed that recommendation based on more extensive and up-to-date research, but we did what we thought was best at the time.
Now, I've always been a believer that nature is pretty smart. Handcrafted, homemade, baked, sewn or knit with love is pretty cool. My parents were hippies and my mom works in obstetrics and had her babies in the heat of the natural birth movement of the late seventies, so I always figured I would have natural births. I just didn't factor in the possibility of a cesarean. Surgical birth was something that happened to other women, ones with dangerous health situations or enormous babies~surely
I wouldn't have a birth like that? I was planning on a drug-free natural birth with my husband there to help me out and lots of self-gratification for being strong and weathering pain like a champion.
Instead, I lay on a narrow operating table numb and cold, got my guts hauled out and my baby handed to me in a sort of awkward moment in which I felt no emotion whatsoever. I didn't feel
bad, I just didn't feel anything at all until I had been in the recovery room for about half an hour. Like when you get a cut and don't really realize it until you look down and there's blood on your leg, and then it starts hurting a few minutes after your realize it really should.
My doctors were nice, the operating room nurse was very kind, the pediatrician was fine; nobody was mean to me or bullied me into a cesarean or anything: in fact, my obstetrician told me there was
absolutely no reason I couldn't have a vaginal birth next time around. In my head I thought,
damn straight. But I appreciate that she didn't try to instil fear in me, or question my body's ability to give birth naturally in the future. However, this birth was nowhere near what I had anticipated, hoped, or dreamed about for as long as I can remember, and it took some time to process that fact.
Cesarean birth happened
to me. It was like this train that scooped me up at a railway crossing and just took me along for the ride. There are many ways to give birth vaginally; in hospital, at home, in a birthing center, unassiseted, husband-coached, epidural for pain relief or exhaustion, augmented, induced, by candlelight, in water, or with the help of acupuncture. There is pretty much only one way to have a cesarean, and as the birthing woman in the room I knew the least about the necessary process and had the least say in how things went down. There are ways to be empowered and make choices regarding cesarean delivery, but I didn't know about any of them and as such was swept away by the medical way of doing things and left feeling kind of like this:
We continue to be delighted with the inspiration and wisdom our Carnival of Natural Parenting participants share, and we hope you'll join us for the next carnival in March 2012! (Check out
February,
January, and a summary of all our
2011 posts if you missed any.)
Your co-hosts are
Lauren at Hobo Mama and
Dionna at Code Name: Mama.
Here are the submission details for March 2012:
Theme: Parenting With Special Needs: Many of us are touched by caring for a child who stretches our parenting skills. Others of us have experience being a parent with special needs, or having parents of our own or a partner with special needs. Share your story or some specific elements or tips on raising children despite the challenges. We'd love to hear from those who have family members diagnosed with a physical, mental, or emotional illness, but it could also be a less formal condition: Maybe your baby started off in the NICU, your child has unexplained developmental delays, or your toddler is very high needs. Maybe you, your partner, or your family of origin has had particular challenges. If you don't have personal experience, consider writing from a supporter's perspective or finding a guest blogger to share!
Deadline:
Tuesday, March 6. Fill out the
webform (at the link or at the bottom) and email your submission to us by 11:59 p.m. Pacific time: CarNatPar {at} NaturalParentsNetwork.com
Carnival date: Tuesday, March 13. Before you post, we will send you an email with a little blurb in html to paste into your submission that will introduce the carnival. You will publish your post on March 13 and email us the link if you haven't done so already. Once everyone's posts are published on March 13 by noon Eastern time, we will send out a finalized list of all the participants' links to generate lots of link love for your site! We'll include full instructions in the email we send before the posting date.
Welcome to the "I'm a Natural Parent — BUT..." Carnival
This post was written for inclusion in the carnival hosted by The Artful Mama and Natural Parents Network. During this carnival our participants have focused on the many different forms and shapes Natural Parenting can take in our community.
Mikko's first visit to fast food. This was before I started blogging,
but even then taking this picture made us feel both sheepish and defiant.
There's no one definition for what makes a natural parent, which can leave most of us feeling like everyone's probably more natural than we are. Well, I'm here to relieve your minds that while it might be true for me, the reverse is likely not true for you. Read on for Hobo Mama's shocking (!), shameful (!!) confessions…
Probably the biggest area where I differ with a lot of my crunchy friends is in the subject of
food. People devote so much energy to what they can and can't eat, and what their kids are allowed. I admire this energy. I don't have it, though. We eat a pretty normal diet. (Purists would call it a
SAD diet.) After listening to umpteen friends share recommendations about the best gluten-free bakeries and which stores sell items that are dairy- and soy-free, I'm avoiding any form of food intolerance testing, because
I don't want to know. I'm currently looking forward to Sam bringing me home from the office some Junior Mints that he squirreled away for me at Christmas, and I will promptly eat the whole boxful. Sugar haters, look away!
Then there are the areas where I'm just so. much. lazier with my second child. I prefer to think of it as "relaxed," though.
Elimination communication? Eh, when I think of it. Mikko was so particular about his elimination that he kind of demanded it, but Alrik's so easygoing it's simpler just to change the diaper when he's wet and be done with it. I still
love EC as a practice and a philosophy, and I'm trying to incorporate it into our routines more, but I'm not beating myself up about days when I've missed every single pee for the salient fact that I never brought out the potty.
Welcome to the Sunday Surf, a tour of the
best blogposts I've read throughout the week.
I had a mini-
Natural Parents Network Team get-together yesterday, like
this one only more casual and with freer talking, since we've gotten past the ice-breaking phase. My mother-in-law is also visiting this week, so it's social city with less time for sitting in front of the screen. I'm glad, though, because it means I get to bring you some great guest posts soon — stay tuned!
For now, a little reading!
Formula companies can quit marketing needless “nutritional” supplements already.
Brilliant response to the fears of those who endorse schooling toward the unschooling community. I seriously want to print this out so I can hand it to anyone (else) who springs these arguments on me.
A great series on
Unconditional Parenting that’s helping me out with some ways to talk with my kids about what I need and want, gentle discipline-style:
Recently, and with some inspiration from nonviolent communication, I’ve started phrasing my requests in terms of what I want and need. It’s a subtle change in words, but the results are rather dramatic. I feel empowered when I ask my son to do or not do something because I express my desires honestly. And I think he feels empowered because the approach is so honest. Instead of making a demand from dominant figure to submissive figure, I respectfully state my request, from human to human.
At LaurenWayne.com:
I forgot to post these at first last week, so I'm reposting them today. I'm like that (on both counts).
If Facebook is acting up for you, here are 2 easy steps to follow!
Simplify your Google & Gmail accounts:
And the first in a continuing series on confusing word pairs, from this former copy editor who just can't help herself:
Carnival news:
How to keep in touch with distant grandparents
This is my entry into the Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival, hosted by
Authentic Parenting and
Mudpiemama. Read the links at the end to hear other thoughts about
Connection.
Stay tuned for today's playful and cathartic blog carnival:
"I'm a Natural Parent — But…," hosted by
The Artful Mama and
Natural Parents Network.
Find other carnivals at my
Natural Parenting Carnival Linky. And
please, please, please help me keep it updated by adding in carnivals OR memes (recipe linkups and the like) that you're hosting or entering! It would be
soooo helpful. Don't be worried that yours is too small — I want to promote everybody's special blog parties! Even if the carnival or meme is already represented but you want to update the information, enter it again and I'll go in and delete the old info. Thank you! I'd love to make it a helpful resource for all of us.
Welcome to February edition of the Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival, hosted by Authentic Parenting and Mudpiemama.
This month, participants have looked into the topic of “Fostering Healthy Attachment”. Please scroll down to the end of this post to find a list of links to the entries of the other participants. Enjoy!
Our kids' grandparents live across the country from us, and traveling to see each other is feasible only once or twice a year. To maintain the connection the rest of the time with them and other distant relatives and friends, we rely on the following very modern techniques:
Video chats
All you and your relatives both need is a
working webcam, computer (or video-chat-compatible smartphone), and speedy internet connection. (What you likely need in addition is unlimited patience in helping your parents set up their webcam and connection, long distance, but that's a tutorial for another day.)
We've used a mix of Skype, Yahoo! Messenger, and Google Video Chat and Hangout. If you and your parents are in the U.S., all these options are
free over an internet connection. I'm not sure what international options are best, but I know that even if you have to pay for a VOIP international call, it's usually much cheaper than standard telephone options.
The joy of video chatting for little kids and grandparents is that both sides get to
see each other. Kids who would otherwise lose interest in an audio call can be kept captivated for longer by a moving image. My in-laws love to up the amusement factor by displaying their Snoopy animatronics and other bell-and-whistle gewgaws. Kids will also learn what their relatives look and sound like, which is a handy thing when they don't meet them very often. The benefits for the grandparents is getting to talk with and see their grandkids growing in ways still pictures can't convey.
Videos
Along the same lines, sending videos back and forth can reinforce those visual ties. We have a
small camcorder (a
Flip), and our phone has one as well. We used to try to get clever and cutesy with the editing, until we realized it was holding us back from
posting things already. Now we just take a little, cohesive clip of something adorable (Alrik crawling for the first time,
Mikko doing a magic trick), throw a title card on it, and
post it to YouTube.
My parents get into the spirit by making
JibJab videos, which crack Mikko up. You upload still photos of you and your relatives or friends looking face-on and then use JibJab's editing software to extract the heads. JibJab sticks them onto dancers' bodies in various music videos. Mikko
still doesn't get that they aren't really us dancing. He makes comments like, "I don't remember when we were at that party," and "You're a really good dancer, Mama!"
Facebook
I imagine Facebook's easier than Twitter to get most grandparents to buy into, so that's what I use with my mom. I don't know that my dad's ever been on Facebook, and Sam's parents are definitely not, but Twitter is right out for them.
You can
post photos, status updates, and videos, and you can tag your parents or post on their wall to get their attention. Plus, it gives them the opportunity to comment on all the cute stuff you're uploading to show off what proud grandparents they are.
Photos
If you have a digital camera or camera phone, it's easy to
dump all your week's cute pictures up on a photo site like
Flickr or
Photobucket to share with your parents. If your parents are old-school and want prints but you're too lazy or cheap to mail them yourself (wait, is that just me?), you can upload them to a place like Snapfish or
Shutterfly so your parents can order prints directly from the site.
Every once in awhile, I do print out some photos and actually mail them. That's always well appreciated! Lately, though, I bought a membership at
Tiny Prints so that I'll remember to
send photo cards at least six times a year. (That's an affiliate link, but that's totally true that I paid for a membership — I need the motivation! Plus, they add the stamps for me and drive the envelopes to the post office.) If that's outside your budget, a
sweet photo-collage e-card (I like
Smilebox by Hallmark) can be just as appreciated.
We also love to make a
hardcover photo book every other year for each child and give them as Christmas gifts to our parents (saving one for us, too, obviously!).
Photo albums
Speaking of photo books, we made a simple little album for Mikko as a baby
featuring all his relatives. At first we had
a soft squishy one made for the purpose of baby using it as a chew toy, but later I realized any
"brag book"-size photo album that could hold 4x6" pictures would do. Sometimes I professionally printed photos to stick in, and sometimes I just ran them off on our color printer; quality doesn't matter to a little tyke so much as boosting the familiarity of these dear faces.
Blogs
It's free and easy to start your own blog, and for your family's sake, it doesn't need to be anything fancier than a
repository of photos, your baby's growth stats, and hilarious things your kids have said. Older kids can run their own to record their thoughts and exercise their writing skills.
Enable email subscriptions so each new post goes straight to the grandparents' inbox; that will make sure they see each post when it's hot off the presses!
Mass emails
I have a
group contact list for all the email addresses of our parents and siblings. Whenever I want to alert the group to new photos, share news, or pass along a funny story, I just type in the group name and email everyone at once. I have yet to have a family member unsubscribe.
Artwork
Mikko's favorite thing to do is make "decorations," and he recently fell in love with ceramics, which means we have frequent opportunities to
send enchanting crafts to people who will highly appreciate them. Usually the only challenging aspect is figuring out how to finagle them for mailing!
Letters and packages
Particularly as your kids get older, you can encourage them to carry on a correspondence with their grandparents. Get some
appealing stationery and
make the experience fun by
encouraging your children to write about anything interesting to them. Children too young to write can draw a picture that you caption for them, or dictate a story. Remind your parents to write back and suggest perhaps including small gifts like a sheet of stickers or a bookmark. As a fancier gift suggestion, my son loves
High Five,
Puzzle Buzz, and
National Geographic Little Kids magazine subscriptions (I swear that last one isn't even an affiliate link; it's just bizarre), all from Grandma, which I remind him whenever they arrive at our home. You could even go more three-dimensional with a
care package — maybe your little ones would like to help you bake Grandpa his favorite cookies or
finger knit Nana a scarf. Everyone loves getting (good) mail.
Story readings
This goes back to my much younger days, but I remember when my long-distance friends and I would record audio tapes for each other to send through the mail. You can carry on this esteemed tradition by suggesting your parents
record themselves reading a storybook you have at home and send you the audio or video file. If they want to shell out some dough, Hallmark has recordable storybooks to buy.
Mix tapes
You want to suggest mix tapes aren't "very modern" technology? Well, the Brontës sure didn't have them. I remember my grandmother making a mix tape for my brother and me when we were little of their favorite folksy songs. For
years, I assumed it was my grandmother and grandfather singing on the tape, a fact that greatly amused my mother when she found out. You and your loved ones could offer up an
exchange of favorite music, so that thoughts of your relative go through your mind as you enjoy each other's tunes, although I'll allow it could be of the CD or mp3 variety.
There are a lot of enjoyable and simple ways to stay in touch even if you don't live near your loved ones. And these tips can work for grandparents and grandchildren or
any other relation: favorite cousins (Mikko's the cutest stalker my niece has ever had the pleasure to know), parents who are service people deployed by the military, divorced parents who live distantly, godparents or other mentors, and anyone else with a kinship you wish to foster.
Be creative, follow your kids' interests, and
make family connections fun!
How do you help your children keep in touch with distant loved ones?
Visit Authentic Parenting and Mudpiemama to find out how you can participate in the next Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be live and updated by afternoon February 24 with all the carnival links.)
Disclosure: Some links are affiliate links,
because I looked up all the companies
to see if they had programs.
I'm like that.
See my full disclosure policy here.