Making the video for yesterday's post on co-parenting reminded me of this sweet series of co-sleeping pictures.

This is another in a series of guest posts for Hobo Mama by other bloggers. Read to the end for a longer biographical note on today's guest blogger, Amber Strocel. Amber is a blogger I quite admire, and she's here to tell us about going with the flow when it comes to sleep arrangements for your children.

Guest post by Amber Strocel

My daughter, Hannah, was born in February of 2005. In the almost 5 years since I set out on this parenting journey I have learned a few things about living with small children. For example, I never fill a cup more than half full anymore, or leave a sharp knife lying casually on the counter. You just pick these things up as you go. And each subsequent child just ups the parenting ante. My son Jacob joined the family in August of 2008, and with each passing day I feel more and more seasoned.

One of the most valuable parenting lessons for me has been that it's more important that everyone gets enough sleep, than what that sleep looks like. So, the four people in our family might not all sleep in our own beds. We may wake up in a different room than we went to sleep in. Our rest may be interrupted, maybe even more than once. And tonight may not be the same as the night before. But, on the whole, we're getting the sleep that we need. And that last bit is the part that really matters. The rest of it? Not so much.


Newborn baby Hannah sleeping in her bassinette

Over the years we have employed many different sleep arrangements. We have a bassinette, a crib, and a guard rail on our bed for bedsharing. And when Hannah became a toddler, we bought her a double bed so that I could sleep in her room with her. At various times my children have slept in a separate room, in the bassinette pulled up alongside my bed, in my bed with me, and with either their father or me in their room. And at various times, all of those arrangements worked. At various times, they also didn't work.


10-month-old Hannah not sleeping in her crib

Nighttime parenting is no different than daytime parenting, really. Kids grow and change and need different things at different times. This has been a very useful thing to remember at various stages in my children's lives. It means that whatever I'm dealing with now is temporary, and it will not last forever. This helps me to remain flexible and open in finding ways to meet our family's various sleep needs. It also helps me to get through the times when things aren't going well, because I know that it is not a permanent situation.


The double bed we bought Hannah at 18 months

I think that a lot of the problems that we encounter when confronting the erratic (and frankly inconsiderate) sleep habits of babies stem from the fear of creating bad habits. We fear that if a situation is allowed to continue, it will only escalate and get worse and no one will ever sleep again. I sometimes felt that fear, especially with my first child. I just didn't see how she would ever sleep through the night, how she would ever sleep on her own, or how I would ever spend less than 45 minutes getting her to sleep. As it turns out, I couldn't see how those things would happen because, at the time, my daughter wasn't ready.


3 1/2-year-old Hannah watches newborn Jacob sleep in the bassinette

There is a saying that children don't go to kindergarten in diapers. The idea is that somehow, some way, the vast majority of children have figured out the toilet training thing by a certain age. I have found sleep to be similar. Eventually, kids reach an age where they are ready to sleep for longer stretches, or to sleep in a different bed. These days my husband reads Hannah a bedtime story, tucks her in, and leaves her to sleep. We are there if she needs us, but most nights she drifts off on her own. In her own time and in her own way, she figured it out.


4 1/2-year-old Hannah has storytime with Dad

I have placed great value on being available to my children at night, and respecting their developmental stage. This means that my children are not left alone to cry. It also means that if my preschooler calls for a drink of water, I may let her know that I will be there as soon as I finish washing the last dish. Or, I may even suggest that she get it herself. But when my 15-month-old wakes and calls for me, I respond immediately. Children have different needs at different ages, and I believe that true independence is gained by meeting their needs in an age-appropriate manner, regardless of the time of day.

I admit, sometimes I fantasize about the day that my kids go to bed all by themselves and then get up all by themselves the next morning. I don't relish being out of my bed at 'unholy hour' o'clock. But I know that this time won't last forever. And I also know that, with a little bit of flexibility and creativity, I can still get the sleep that I need. At least most of the time, anyway. And that? Is worth its weight in gold.

When Amber isn't displaying her stunning flexibility, she spends her days trying to decide what she wants to be when she grows up. Suggestions welcome! She also blogs about her daily adventures with her adorable children at Strocel.com.

[Editor's note: Amber's in a few contests for being an awesome blogger. You should go vote for Amber now.]

I had been thinking Sam and I might have one of these conversations back when I first read Swistle's posts on the same topic (psychic blog reading or something?): "No" and "No More Babies: An Update." Now, she has five babies so far, and I have one, but the conversation is the same, because no matter what size your family is, someone (two someones) had to do some deciding to get it that way.

So, Sam and I just had A Conversation, wherein we discussed the pros and cons of ever reproducing again.

We had had variations of this conversation before, but always in an off-the-cuff fashion that emphasized humor. For instance, someone would ask us, "Are you going to have a second child?" and we would immediately respond, "Not anytime soon!" with a scoffing noise, or someone would say, "Are you thinking about having more kids?" and we would say, "We're not sure we're going to keep this one." Yes, ha ha, and all that (sorry, Mikko!), but we'd yet to sit down, in private, and talk seriously over the matter.

Before you work yourself into too much of a kerfuffle, just know that answer in the end was a rather vague: Maybe, maybe not.

But I should describe how we got there, and on which side of maybe or maybe not each of us came down.

Before we had children at all, Sam was of the "we'll have maybe one or maaaaybe two" variety. I was of the "we'll have at least one but probably two" variety, while secretly wondering if we'd keep on keeping on. I've always been interested, for instance, in the idea of adopting, and my call is toward open domestic adoption of older sibling pairs. I know, it's kind of specific. Does Sam have that same pull toward adoption? Nah.

So I accepted: One for sure, two for maybes. But I sort of always thought, No, we're having two.

Fast-forward to actually having our baby.

Mikko comes along, and our world is rocked. He's loud, he's angry, he's intense and dramatic, and we find that we can barely cope with our lives now that we've added a third, incredibly needy person into our family.

It's at this point in my post that I get nervous and scroll back up looking for a good place to insert a timid hope that all my readers don't hate me after I write this. Even though you should be used to it, because I've written it before: I've argued that parenting is boring; I've confessed how annoyed I get with normal infant clinginess; I've been freaked out by untoward irregularity in my postpartum flow; I've lamented the lack of helpmeets in raising children; and I've argued that child-free is a valid choice.

So, yes, there's a history there. And what on earth is a parenting blogger doing disparaging parenting? But the thing is, it's hard. And some babies are harder than others.

Or, to be fair, it might not be the babies themselves, but the parents' expectations and personalities. Or, to be even fairer, the combination of the two.

I think, and I hope you'll agree if you've read some of my other posts, that I had and have a pretty good grasp on what babies expect, what their needs are from a biological and anthropological perspective.

I did not, and do not still at 2.5 years old, expect Mikko to sleep through the night or any other such Westernized sleep-cult nonsense. Because of this, I embraced cosleeping and learned the art of side-lying nursing so we could both snuggle and sleep together.

I expected round-the-clock breastfeeding and looked forward to it (and enjoy it, still!).

I wanted to wear my baby all day long, and I stocked up on a variety of slings and wraps as soon as I knew I was pregnant.

And I converted (not that it was hard) those within my reach (well, Sam) to my points of view on all these attachment-parenting ideals and continuum-parenting expectations.

But my baby didn't come out all that much appreciating my preparations and hard work. He just expected them. He didn't say, "Why, thank you, Mum" (he talks in a fake British accent when he's being falsely polite), as I wore him all day long. Instead, he screeched at me if I dared to sit down or stop bouncing.

Before someone trollish comes in and says that attachment parenting was therefore just making a rod for my back, I know for sure that parenting him in any non-attachment way would not have worked in the slightest. He needed the attachment way. But he just didn't magically become an easy baby because of it.

All right, enough complaining about Mikko when he was too young to defend himself.

Let's move on to the present. I love this little guy. He's a bright, engaging 2.5-year-old. He's learning words and signs left and right in that whirring little brain of his beneath the mop of curls. I tried to sing him a lullaby the other night, and darned if he didn't break off nursing to sing along in a loud, raspy monotone, giggling all the while! I love his personality, his intensity, his spunk.

But golly if it isn't still very hard to parent. Not to parent him specifically, but just to parent at all. And, again, this might come back to Sam and me as parents rather than having to do with parents in general.

Sam and I are just now, in the past six to ten months (I don't know — give or take — some days are better than others) feeling a little more on top of our lives. We're working out some rhythms to write, to get our business work done, to lead Bible studies (that's Sam's heart), to goof off, to be more ourselves again. For awhile, we felt like we had lost who we were into a vacuum, and looking into the future, we see we still have a fair way to go before we're anything like the selves we were pre-kids. And I don't even mean that in a "Wah, pity me," sort of way, just very factual. We chose it, and I'm not complaining, just noting.

For instance, we used to travel an awful lot, mostly to England. We love us some England. I really miss it. But flying with Mikko = disaster. Flying overseas and sleeping in youth hostels? Fuhgeddaboudit. I could see comfortably making a trip like that again when Mikko is, at minimum, five years old. Probably better if he was even older. If we do have another baby, it will be when we feel less like poking ourselves in the eye with a sharp stick just thinking about caring for a newborn again, so...we're thinking maybe our boys (I seriously thought "boys" in my head instead of kids — boys run in my family, and I've given up nearly all hope of having a girl, ever, no matter if we had eight in a row) would be five or six years apart. Let's say five for ease of math. All right, Mikko's five in this scenario, but now we have a newborn, so we have to wait till Mikko's ten to travel next. That's eight years away! I can live with it, but wouldn't it be lovely if it were only three years away?

I don't know. These are the questions we're asking ourselves. Are we cut out to have multiple children? Can we handle it? Are we selfish to have kids? Are we selfish not to? For me personally, am I denying my call if I don't adopt? Would I be a terrible adoptive mom? My fear is yes. And then I think, could I be worse than no mom? For instance, this post advocating adoption really spoke to me. It's actually telling single women that orphans would much rather have one mommy than some ideal perfect two-parent family that doesn't now and maybe never will exist, but the message was the same. (If you're not religious, you can ignore the religious language over there. It's just that I liked the point.)

I know some people (women, almost entirely) gather their identity as parents, and throw themselves unreservedly into parenting (mothering). I'm not really that kind of person innately. I've become sort of like that by default, just because Mikko demands so much parenting, but it's not my natural state. I do have many interests and goals outside of parenting, and sometimes I wish for the simplicity I see in SAHM blogs where all seems to be delight in being a mother to the exclusion of all other identities. I'm not trying to trivialize that, though it must sound like I am. I really am serious that I just can't get into the mindset of being a mother as my life's work, and I sometimes envy those who can embrace that perspective.

Also, just to make clear, Sam is very much a hands-on father. He does much (often more than half, particularly during NaNoWriMo) of the day-to-day wrangling and playing and pottying and, you know, parenting. So it's not about my deciding what I can handle, it's about what we can handle as a parenting team.

Gah. So Sam and I got serious, and really talked about all of this, and the feelings I've taken away from the conversation were that Sam would really rather have just the one child, but he's not closing the door on the possibility of two, though the second (and we agree wholeheartedly on this) would not be anytime soon.

I don't mind that last part. I've lost a lot of my fear about infertility. It might rear up again if we were trying, but I was sort of panicky before we started trying to conceive about what our chances would be, and how quickly we could manage it, because I had the idea of two children in mind, and I didn't want to fool around with having the second after I was 35. And then our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, and I got even more jittery. But now, having had one, and knowing that Sam is (and I am, too) hesitant about having two, I just am not as frantic about that age deadline, and I'm more at peace with the possibility of being infertile when we try again. And there's also always that adoption potential, if we do decide to have another and can't do it the baby-making way.

I guess what it comes down to is that Sam can see the three of us as a complete family, and I would (do now, at least) feel that something was missing. That someone was missing.

I once lurked in an online conversation where women discussed their visions of their family, and all of them just had a picture in their mind of a certain number around the dinner table, and anything less than that didn't feel right. I just have this image of two children, plus the two of us, and so the three of us feels incomplete to me.

I also never thought I'd be the type of mother to have an only child. I have nothing against only children. My niece is one, by the choice of her parents. My grandmother was one, though she then chose to have five kids of her own in retaliation. Maybe it's something that necessarily skips a generation or two?

I can see the benefits to stopping while we're ahead. We could continue to enjoy Mikko as he grows. We could invest more in our business and hobbies. We could unschool with free hearts, whereas right now, in considering possibly having a young baby to care for when Mikko's kindergarten age, the concept of free all-day childcare (aka public schooling) for our older son is so very tempting.

But I would miss out in some way. I get tears in the back of my eyes thinking of giving away all my maternity clothes and those carefully stored boxes of little baby things. I feel like Mikko was the practice round, but I should get another chance. Successful home birth this time? Easy start to breastfeeding, perhaps?

And if we had another, I would spend every moment (well, regular amounts, at least) treasuring each memory and milestone, because I would know it was my last. I didn't do that with Mikko. I wanted time to hurry up so we could power through. I regret that, in some ways, though it was a coping mechanism at the time. But I feel like I've been cheated if it turns out that was my last time and I just didn't know it.

So that's where we stand. Shakily. The door's not closed, but the possibility of its closing is there now.

Maybe we'll have one, maybe two.

Maybe a half-dozen if I end up changing our whole life and attitude.

P.S. I just won a SwellyBelly, which is a much higher class and prettier version of the belly band I wore all last pregnancy. I told Sam, and he said, "So this means we're having another one, huh?" But he was just making fun of me for entering the giveaway at all, not, you know, giving in to the idea. To make up for any sadness at misuse of the SwellyBelly, I will be road-testing it in public-breastfeeding mode instead. And if it turns out that I never have another pregnancy (sob!), I will pass my (cleaned) SwellyBelly along to someone who's more the motherly type. Scout's honor.

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P.P.S. I wrote this post Nov. 17. Through one thing and another — guest posts, carnivals, contest entries, and holidays — I haven't published it till now, but it's been swirling in my head since then. To the point where I've (pretty much) firmly (maybe) decided that, yes, (I think) I want another baby (sometime). I haven't told Sam this yet, but I guess he'll read it here. I think I can do it. I think we can handle it. We'll see. It might be just the contrariness of stating a position and then wanting to contradict yourself, so maybe now that I've written this I'll come up with all the reasons why this new position is stupid. As I said, we'll see. But I keep seeing young babies now who don't look...well, unappealing to me. Hmmm...

This is Hobo Mama's first in a series of guest posts by other bloggers. Read to the end for a longer biographical note on today's guest blogger, Molly Jarrell. Since I work from home, I very much appreciated a look today at a topic I don't generally feel qualified to cover: the perspective of a working mother's relationship with breastfeeding and cosleeping.



Guest post by Molly Jarrell

It's 1:30 in the afternoon and I'm sitting here at my desk, at work. I've got pictures of my little girl all around me, and my Mother's Day card (with its abrasive, low-budget recording of her little laugh, which I love) all within arm's reach.

My heart aches for her.

This morning we decided to let Daddy sleep in a little longer so I took Eden into the shower with me. Pretty soon Daddy (who figured I was running late and needing to get ready for work) came in and asked Eden, "Want to come with Daddy and get dressed?" She immediately buried her head into my shoulder and her little arms grabbed me tight around my neck.

She stayed like that for the next — oh, I don't know — 20 minutes or so. Nate kept coming in to see if she had fallen asleep. I couldn't bring myself to break the spell. It was just Eden and me, together, standing under the stream of hot water, feeling each other breathe and reconnecting. She didn't even stir.

And I thought, "She misses me. It's Friday. I've already worked 5 days this week and we're going on number 6."

So I stood there with her in my arms and a towel draped around her back, wasting water and not caring a bit.

It hasn't been easy, working full time. Granted, I've got a pretty easy gig as far as working moms go. I have my own office. She spends her days with her dad, mostly, or with other family members. I have a super-flexible boss who lets me set my own schedule as long as the work gets done. And I can take my laptop home and work at night if I need to.

But it still wrenches my heart to leave her.

People often ask how it's going. How is it, being a working mom? People seem to have a lot of opinions about it. They either think I'm going to be a basket case of motherly longing, or am giddy with excitement to escape the restrictive confines of motherhood for the wonderful world of personal achievement and intellectualism.

Right.

Eden was 3 1/2 months old when I went back to work nearly a year ago. Everyone told me I needed to get her to sleep in her crib before I went back so I could get a "decent night's sleep." I think she had been sleeping in bed with us ever since we brought her home from the hospital. I never intentionally decided to co-sleep (never even really thought about it) but I don't remember ever putting her in her crib. Bringing her in to bed with us just seemed like the right thing to do.

I do remember feeling really, really conflicted about it because it seemed like everyone was telling us it was something we were supposed to "grow out of." Instead, I felt like it was something we "grew into." It just felt right. Even my husband felt the same way.

Thankfully, and for whatever reason, I just couldn't bring myself to move my daughter to her crib when I went back to work like everyone told me I should. I am, oh, so very glad I followed my heart, because if we hadn't kept up the co-sleeping I am pretty darn sure we wouldn't still be breastfeeding.

I don't think I could have gone through the transition back to work full time without breastfeeding (and stayed sane). Nursing is the single best way for me to connect with Eden when I get home after being gone such long hours. It's the single best way for Eden to feel that all is right with the world, no matter how chaotic her day has been. It's our landing place, our reset to zero, our anchor in any storm.

I can't say that breastfeeding and working full time hasn't been hard. It has. Hey, breastfeeding itself isn't always easy. But it's been my lifeline, my connection to home. It has helped me meet my baby's needs even when I wasn't there in person. And being able to co-sleep through it all has been the greatest gift of all. Many days I wake up and wish that I worked from home, or could take Eden with me to work, or that somehow life was different so that I could spend my whole days with my family. So I didn't have to leave her behind.

For now, I'll just take comfort in the fact that when I get home from work we have nursing to bring us back together again.

And I'll just tuck my worry about weaning away for another day.


Molly is a relatively new mother of one from Southern Californira who is trying to take motherhood, a full-time job, and all the rest of the whirlwind of life one day at a time. She likes wine, reading, and scrapbooking; she's also a terrible gardener and can't remember birthdays to save her life. Five days a week, she heads off to her job in corporate communications while Mr. Molly, a professional musician, stays home with The Peanut. Motherhood has been making Molly more eco-concious, more patient, more tired and more aware. You can visit Molly's neck of the woods at http://mollyjarrell.blogspot.com.

[ETA 11/18: I just had the BRILLIANT idea that I'll add any new fun November giveaways I want to feature into the McLinky at the bottom rather than having to change the code for the post each time. Hooray! Everyone else is still free to add in giveaways into the McLinky as well!]

I love doing giveaway roundups for some reason. I've been squirreling away links to share with you, and procrastinated on my November post to the point that many of them have already expired. But, AN-yway...

I'll give you what I have so far, and if you're into entering contests, feel free to bookmark this page and check back occasionally throughout November. I often come back to these roundups (often = always) to add awesome new giveaways as I find 'em.

A new feature this time is a McLinky list at the bottom, for you to add any giveaways you've discovered. They can be your own or a friend's or a complete stranger's, as long as you think fellow hobo fans would love to win what's on offer.

All right, here goes. Let the winning commence.


     • Wear your baby! Hobo Mama (gasp! that's me!) is giving away a fleece mei tai baby wrap in your choice of two cute, multi-gender-approved prints. Enter by Nov. 20.
      To continue the babywearing theme, babybix is giving away an ERGO Organic Baby Carrier set, worth $200! I can hardly believe the generosity of this giveaway. The whole package includes an organic ERGObaby carrier, a backpack, and a front pouch, all of which can be used together or separately. I love my ERGO, and Mikko still uses it at age 2-point-almost-five. As much as I love the ERGO Baby Carrier (see my adulation for the ERGO here), one drawback is that it's expensive. I was fortunate enough to strong armpersuade my mom to buy me one instead of an expensive stroller or crib. Maybe you'll be fortunate enough to get one for free, too! (FYI, babybix's post mentions that you can get a gently used ERGO at a discount by calling the ERGO offices, so that's another option!) Enter by Nov. 23.
      There are also two chances that I know of to win a stretchy wrap, which was my favorite type of carrier in the newborn phase. Just for Me...and You is giving away a Moby Wrap baby carrier from The Baby's Bundle (Nov. 17), and All Things Granola is giving away a Sleepy Wrap (Nov. 24, via Learning in a Family Environment).
     • Adventures in Babywearing is giving away two baby pouches: a black HugaMonkey pouch (gotta love the name) and a gorgeous Petunia Pickle Bottom Sojourn in the Dancing in Dublin pattern. Pouches have an easy learning curve so can be great for first-time babywearers. Be sure to check the sizes there, though, because pouches are more size-specific since they're not adjustable. Enter by Nov. 17.
     • Familylicious Reviews is giving away a Sleeping Baby Productions Ring Sling. A ring sling can be perfect for discreet nursing in the newborn phase, and convenient hip carries as the baby gets older. A ring sling is adjustable and allows for popping your baby in and out as needed. SleepingBaby.net is a fantastic site run by a seamstress and babywearer who sells very high quality ring slings as well as offers a host of free tutorials if you're interested in sewing your own slings or carriers. I've used Jan's site as a babywearing reference many times. Enter to win one of her linen slings, in your choice of size and color, by Dec. 12.
      Remember, feel free to enter any giveaways for a baby sling, wrap, or other carrier, even if you personally don't have a wearable baby at the moment or planned for the near future. Babywearing items make perfect baby gifts — they're a way to pass on a tool for attachment parenting. Who knows what you'll inspire!


     • If you're up for cosleeping, you might want some jammies to help make it safer. J. Leigh Designz is giving away an aden + anais Breathable Muslin Baby Sleeping Bag (Nov. 19) and SwaddleDesigns zzZipMe Sack (Nov. 20). One of the guidelines for cosleeping safety is not to have heavy blankets near a young baby's face. The safest way to achieve this is not to use blankets at all, and a second option is to tuck the blankets in so that they come up only to your waist. We had a summer baby, so we dressed him lightly and pulled the sheet up to his waist, but a winter baby will need something more to help keep warm. A sleep sack like one of these will keep the baby toasty without the need of blankets. I personally preferred dressing Mikko in as little as possible when he was a newborn, so that we could do elimination communication and diaper changes without major undressing, but again, we were dealing with the summer months. Both the zzZipMe and aden + anais bags have zippers at the bottom to help with easier access to the underside, and the aden + anais bag goes up to an 18-24 month size, which would be a plus for older or larger babies. The zzZipMe is a snuggly fleece, and the a + a's soft cotton muslin sounds lovely. Remember that cosleeping babies are kept warmer from your body heat than a crib-sleeping baby, so make sure they don't overheat. It depends on the temperature of your home, but probably a fleece sleep sack alone with a diaper underneath (if you're using one) would do it. With a muslin sack, the baby might need extra jammies underneath.
      J. Leigh Designz is a giveaway site, so they have plenty of other great prizes to win. Here are a few of my favorites that are up right now, but you can poke around and see if something else catches your fancy: This adorable wooden PlanCity Airport from Plan Toys — Plan Toys is eco-friendly and design-dazzling, so check out their site for more of their philosophy and aesthetic (Nov. 25). A cute animal or theme umbrella from Kidorable Rain Gear — this one seems especially inspiring to me given Seattle's return into its usual drizzly winter state. Looking at the designs reminded me of how much I so dearly loved my see-through Snoopy umbrella when I was five! (Dec. 2). Running Bike from Strider Sports — this is a valuable giveaway, because these pre-training-wheels bikes don't come cheap. This would make a great Christmas present for a kid who's not quite yet ready to balance but wants to start riding (Dec. 2). For the pregnant or breastfeeding mama, a $25 gift certificate to Passion Spice, where you can buy sultry nursing or maternity lingerie (Nov. 17), or there's always a handbag of your choice from Handbag Heaven — from clutches to totes (Nov. 25). Burger Builder from Play-Doh — ok, this one just made me laugh. Check out the burger in the last picture! (Dec. 2).


     • Swistle: Reviews, the review arm of the venerable main Swistle blog (not to mention the advice-giving Swistle: Baby Names blog) is participating in a BlogHer review circle that is giving away one Philips Sonicare toothbrush and ten $100 Visa gift cards. Yeah, I know, which is better? But you can enter for both or either. Just read all the rules and then enter away, but do it fast because you have to enter by Nov. 15.


     • Look What Mom Found...and Dad too! is always giving away great items. Here are a few of my faves right now, which all happen to be for your pleasure instead of your kids' (go figure!): a $35 gift certificate to Everyday Minerals, my absolute favoritest makeup (Nov. 30); DreamSacks Sophie Short Wrap that looks mega-comfy and chic (Nov. 18); and a gorgeous freshwater pearl necklace from Pearl Paradise in case you have a hankering to be as genteel-looking as Julia Child (Nov. 20).


     • This one's pretty outstanding. Daddy Forever, partnered with MAGHOUND, is giving away a trip to New York City with $1500 shopping spree, and 180 magazines. Runner-up prizes include $100 gift cards for Macy's or Sephora. I could take or leave the mag subscription service, but I'd jump at a free trip to New York! You enter for the magazine service at Daddy Forever, and the New York spree at MAGHOUND. To enter at Daddy Forever, you leave a comment saying what your favorite magazine is on MAGHOUND — I thought this could be a good opportunity to suggest MAGHOUND start carrying Mothering, Brain, Child, or any of your other favorite parenting magazines — what do you think? Enter by Dec. 15.


     • I've written about this before, but it bears repeating! Mommy News & Views has been hosting a Blogiversary throughout October and now into November. It's almost wrapping up, so I wanted highlight a few of the remaining prizes: Baby Blanket Suncare collection because your baby needs sun protection even in winter (Nov. 18); $50 gift certificate to Passion Spice for another chance to win sexy maternity or nursing bras and undies (Nov. 17); Straplettes that attach to your nursing bra to help you remember what side you last breastfed on (Nov. 29); Sassybax Bralette that can be used as a maternity or nursing bra (Nov. 25); this one kind of makes me giggle, but I do remember how helpful it would have been when I was pregnant and super sensitive — The Shower Hug to shield your tender nipples from the running water (Nov. 30); One Creative Mama Breastfeeding Advocacy OneZees with sayings like "I'm a breast man myself" and "Mama drinks coffee so that I can have a latté" (Nov. 15); Rockstarmoms floating baby t-shirt for the rockin' preggos (Nov. 23); and The Golden Pickle, an audio CD of stories (Nov. 22). Last but not least, there's one final prize to be won: a $50 gift certificate to A Mother's Boutique (Dec. 1)!


     • Are you a pumping mama? Technically, these first two belong in the previous category, because they're still from Mommy News & Views, but I wanted to make a special category of giveaways of interest to mothers who use breast pumps to express breastmilk: Pump Ease Hands Free Pumping Support, which allows you to pump hands-free, plus a refrigerator magnet and a door tag that reads "Please Do Not Disturb: Mom at Work!" to hang on your office door (Nov. 20) and a Pumpin' Pal set-up, also for pumping hands-free: This includes a Hands-Free Strap, a pair of Super Shields (angled flanges to allow you to lean back while you pump in your choice of size), and Air-Dry Accessory Bag (Nov. 21). If you a pump a lot and don't yet have a way to pump in comfort and hands-free, you need a kit like these!
      In related prizes, Growing a Baby in Seattle is giving away a set of 2 glass baby bottles from SproutBaby.com. With all the concerns over BPA leaching from plastics, it's safest to stick with glass for any expressed breast milk you give your baby. The Wee Go has a silicone sleeve to help with gripping, and the Born Free has a built-in venting system. Enter by Nov. 20.


     • I love the crisp sweetness of freeze-dried fruit, and I've discovered it's a convenient and popular snack for toddlers on the go! Contest Corner is giving away a Today's Farm Freeze-Dried Fruit Bag o' Gold gift pack. Enter by Nov. 19.


     • This one's a fun grab bag. Cool Baby Kid is giving away an Unclaimed Prize Pack reportedly worth $500. It's basically every prize from the past two years that the winner never stepped forward to claim, so it's a fun assortment and it all goes to one lucky reader. Enter by Nov. 23.


     • This Tummy Tub being given away by Just for Me...and You could not be more adorable. It's supposed to replicate the gentle squeeze of warmth and wetness from being in the womb (plus, you know, get your baby clean). Good for up to 3 years old and 35 pounds! Enter by Nov. 20.


     • I've mentioned the lovely site Grosgrain before, but I just wanted to put in a good word for the blogger. She crafted an entry into the Shabby Apple Dare to Design dress contest, and she would like you to support her by voting for dress #7 here. I mean, look at her "Lawn Frock" — could it be more enchanting? Vote by Nov. 30, and check out her current giveaways while you're at it, like a Modern Blitz Designs custom card, perfect for your holiday mailing list, and a The Handmade Dress pattern set for girls' dresses designed by a seamstress mama who's waiting to expand her family by adopting a sibling group from Bulgaria.


     • Blacktating Reviews is offering the book Does This Pregnancy Make Me Look Fat?, which makes me laugh just from the title. The book aims at enhancing good body image and taking the focus away from the scale. Blacktating is featured in the book! Enter by Nov. 18.


     • I want to give a shout-out to a couple handmade-giveaway sites that listed my mei tai giveaway (thanks!). If you're a homemade and Etsy fan, these are the giveaway sites for you! You can find some wonderful and unique Christmas presents here:
      Etsy Giveaways: "the only thing better than buying handmade is winning it!"
      Handmade Giveaways: Check it out for the gorgeous picture — yea!


**************


My standard disclosure, because I'm honest and all that: Sometimes I get an extra entry into a contest by blogging about it, though usually not. I'm entering some of these and not others, but I think they're all worthy. There are seriously so many giveaways in blogland, but I wanted to highlight a few. As you can see, generally speaking, the giveaways I feature are more attuned to attachment-parenting ideals, feature eco-friendly baby gear, come from unique and small-time companies, or are simply from blogs I like! And every once in awhile, something fits into none of those categories, but I go with it anyway because I want to. I'm like that. Go to the links provided for full contest rules and to find out how to enter. Oh, by the way, if any of these companies are linked to Nestle or otherwise offensive, please do let me know so I can remove them. I know the responsible thing would be to do the research myself, but I'm having enough trouble getting this post up as it is! Mikko's got the sniffles, a cough, and sore throat, and he basically just wants to sit on my lap all day nursing. Poor thing!

I'm experimenting this time with including a McLinky widget. If you want to promote a giveaway (your own or someone else's) that's oriented to families, parents, mothers, babies, or children, please feel free to link up below. You can also leave a comment to give more information on your giveaway.

Enter your giveaway in this order so that people can easily figure out what you're offering: Blog Name -- Giveaway Item (End Date). And then put in the link to the specific post for your giveaway, not your general blog URL. For example, I would put Hobo Mama -- Fleece Baby Carrier (11/20), and then my URL of http://www.hobomama.com/2009/10/ap-principle-4-giveaway-of-mei-tai.html. I went ahead and listed mine as a sample.

Thanks, and happy giveawaying!

This post is a continuation of Hobo Mama's celebration of Attachment Parenting Month, October 2009. This article focuses on the fifth principle of attachment parenting: Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally (Bedding Close to Baby).

Today's attachment parenting principle (#5, if you're counting) and Baby B has to do with cosleeping and the family bed:

Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally (Bedding Close to Baby)

I didn't want to do a general article on why sleeping with or very near your baby is a good thing, because you probably got that idea from my article on principle #3: "Crying it out vs. the responsiveness of attachment parenting." To respond quickly and sensitively to your baby's needs, day and night, the family bed or bedding down nearby is a great answer.

I thought it would be better to do an article on something specific related to cosleeping, so I was thinking of what questions come up the most when parents raise the issue of cosleeping. Here were the two that sprang to mind:

     "But what if I roll over onto the baby?"

followed at some point, often with a blush but sometimes with a snicker:

     "But how do the parents have sex?"

The first one is an interesting topic, don't get me wrong, but I felt adventurous enough to tackle the second one today. It'll insert a little more titillation into your Hump Day. (All right, the problem with sex articles is automatically everything starts sounding like a sex pun. Let the giggles commence.)

I will offer fair warning right here that if you're squeamish when the topic of sex comes up, now is the time to abandon ship, and I'll see you next when I staidly offer a book review about babysitting.

All right, if you're still with me (I'm not judging either way...), here goes.

Now, I just want to get that first question, about potential harm to your baby by cosleeping, out of the way first, because I don't want it hanging out there spinning through people's minds unanswered. But I will do a quick and dirty job of it (see what I mean about the sex puns?). Short answer: You're highly unlikely to roll over onto your baby. For a longer answer, see an article by the foremost researcher into cosleeping, Dr. James McKenna: "Cosleeping and Overlaying/Suffocation: Is there a chance I'll roll over and crush my child?", as well as my philosophical musings on the subject in general: "Unintended consequences of child 'safety.'" And do be sure always to follow safe cosleeping guidelines.

OK, then, back to the sex talk.

There probably needs to be more talk about sex and parenting in general. I've tried a couple times. I talked in an article titled "I Touch You Once, I Touch You Twice," which, let me tell you, gets lots of Google hits from disappointed fans searching for love-song lyrics, about how mind-trippy it is to go from touching and being touched as a mother all day (and night) to touching and being touched by a lover. Whole different ball game. And I jotted down a quote from Our Babies, Ourselves about the cultural disconnect in the modern United States mindset between sharing a bed with an adult sexual partner and sharing a bed with any other person:

"Adults may sleep together because their relationship is sexual, and intimate, and bed is the place for sexuality and intimacy in America. Moreover, interdependence between a couple is seen as the contemporary ideal. But children are not part of that intimacy or sexuality, nor are they considered part of that interdependence." [p. 124]

So, there's where the prudishness comes into the conversation about cosleeping, and the concern for marital integrity. Marriage in modern American culture has become intimate and relational and about only two people. I can't tell you how different that perspective is from the historical and global view of marriage. I can't outline here all the different ways, anthropologically speaking, humans have understood the concept of marriage, but I just do want to point out that just because we've decided on a current viewpoint doesn't mean that ours is the best or makes the most sense. And one way that our modern viewpoint of marriage doesn't make sense is that it doesn't allow much room for children.

Babies were meant to sleep near their mothers. It's just how it is. Mammals drink milk, and typically and historically and biologically, only mothers provide that milk. Depending on what type of mammal they are, babies need milk day and night when they're at their most vulnerable age. Therefore, they need to be near their mothers day and night. Simple, right?

But when cultural conditioning enters the room, simplicity gets thrown out the window. The marriage bed is sacrosanct, and the parent-to-parent relationship is seen as at once more important and more fragile than the parent-to-baby relationship. I like to think (and I do think) that my marriage is strong and resilient enough to stand up to a few years of playing second fiddle to a baby who needs mothering and fathering more than Sam and I need coddling ourselves. Your mileage may vary if your partnership is not that resilient, and that's not really the point of my argument here. I'm just trying to say that culturally we've been brainwashed into thinking that babies don't belong in their parents' bed, because their parents' bed is sexual, and because their parents' bed is off-limits to anybody but the parents.

Can I say hogwash twice in the same week?

Sometimes I try to fight the culture, as when I write blog posts about how babies biologically and historically belong in a family bed, and sometimes I just ignore it and get on with my own life, bucking the system.

In that second capacity, Sam and I have had to be creative and intentional about how, where, and when we have sex.

It might have sounded like I was being snide when I said that the question of where to have sex was one of the most frequently and soonest asked questions anyone has about cosleeping – but I will raise my hand and wave it wildly to demonstrate that I, too, searched out the same topic on supportive online forums to get some suggestions. And when I first broached the idea of having one big cozy family bed to Sam, it was one of his first queries back at me. So it is indeed a familiar topic, and no one should feel bad about considering the issue when deciding whether cosleeping would be a good fit.

The answer is very mundane, of course. You have sex wherever and whenever works for you.

So, here's some straight talk about our experience, and about the topic in general, in the form of a fictional question-and-answer session.

Why a fictional question-and-answer session? Why not?

Can you have sex in the bed while your baby is sleeping? When Mikko was a newborn, we found that we could have sex on the same great big king-size mattress if he was sleeping to one side and we were quiet on the other side. We stopped this practice when one day he woke up during the act, peered over at us...and cracked up laughing. We, of course, started laughing too, and that killed the mood pretty effectively. We'd never before had anyone find our performance so amusing.

If you don't have sex in bed, where else can you go? Wherever you have. In the same spirit of adventurousness as our newlywed years, we try out different locations in the home. Personally, we tend to favor the living room, which has a comfy couch that's also a pull-out bed, as well as some nice soft chairs and cushions. I won't go into details, but you get the idea. Hopefully you have or can create somewhere cozy for you, or if you like being more inventive, here's your chance to try out all the random places in your house (or outside it — gasp!). Some people have a guest room with an empty bed, which I must admit does sound mighty convenient. Sam and I are always stoked when, for one reason or another, we get to have sex in bed. It used to be the normal thing to do; now it's kind of spicy and unique. Sometimes we take the opportunity to stretch out on our mattress when Mikko's out being cared for by someone else, such as at his preschool. We've also fit in quickies when he's just out on a walk with his aunt (don't tell her), and once when he was watching a DVD (bad parent much? Hey, it worked!). We haven't yet had the temerity to hire a babysitter for the sole purpose of getting it on, though I wouldn't rule that out.

But how do you ever have normal, snuggling-induced nighttime sessions? If it's important to you to fall asleep (or more) with just your partner in bed with you, but you want your kids to have the option to sleep with you later, then there are various ways for that to work. When Mikko was little, we sometimes put him down to sleep in an Amby baby hammock, for naps or at night, and then moved him into bed when he woke up. Some parents have a crib or co-sleeper in the room with them; the baby can start off sleeping there and then move to the bed for the next feeding. Depending on the age of the baby, you can just be on the quieter side and it should work. As kids get older, the parents often offer a separate mattress on the floor or in another room, with a free invitation for the kids to join them in the family bed if they wake up during the night. Another option is for the parents to start off the night in their bed, in their room, with the kids in a different bed in a different room, and then one of the parents (often the nursing mama) moves to the kids' room and bed for the rest of the night. There are many different arrangements possible, and they can always change as the kids grow older and have different needs and routines. As I mentioned, we no longer have sex with Mikko in bed with us, but Sam and I have had the chance for some snuggle time. We put Mikko down a few hours before our bedtime, and by the time we get to bed, Mikko has often drifted to one side of the mattress or the other. Sam and I snuggle down on the other side and enjoy the closeness (and someone to warm my feet again — score!) until Mikko wakes up to nurse.

Be brutally honest here. Is fitting in sex with cosleeping as convenient as having sex before you had kids? No. Sex before kids in general is a lot easier and more convenient. I would like to write more about sex and how it relates to parenting another time. For instance, there's so much involved hormonally and time-wise in the sex lives of lactating women that I think it's generally best to step back and be tolerant of whatever is possible sexually. By setting a 6-week mark as the minimum for when women should be ready to get back into the saddle following a vaginal birth, it inadvertently sets up a false expectation (in my experience) that everything will indeed be back to normal at that time, and sex will proceed as before children. And to that I say: At 6 weeks? Seriously? And I scoff. Loudly. Some women might be ready to bounce back, and some might not. And that's OK, either way.

All right, but to stay on topic for now, how does sex with cosleeping compare with sex when you're not cosleeping? Wouldn't it be more convenient to have kids be in their own bedrooms with doors to close between you? I would guess it would probably be more convenient to have sex at a whim, in a comfy bed, if you were not cosleeping — although, speaking as a person who grew up in a cry-it-out household, I still managed to walk in on my parents at intimate moments. I still say that the difference is greater between pre-kids sex and post-kids sex vs. cosleeping sex and separate-bedrooms sex.

But what's your best guess: Would you have more sex if you had kids but were not cosleeping? Hard to say. I imagine there might be slightly more frequent sex if we weren't cosleeping, but that's not taking in factors like having to get out of bed to feed Mikko and so forth. My life in general would be so different in that case (would Mikko still be nursing?) that I can't really predict what my sex life would be like.

So, is cosleeping worth it, when you're possibly having less sex and definitely having less convenient sex? Absolutely. Sam and I are clear that our priorities at this time in our lives are to our young child. We enjoyed many years of convenient sex before we started having children, and we will have plenty of years ahead of us. For us personally, sex is not the sum of our relationship. It's a very good thing, and we try to carve out time for it, but we both believe that the benefits of cosleeping, to Mikko and to us, outweigh the temporary inconvenience to our sex lives.

Does that mean everyone should come to the same conclusion as you? No. Everyone has different sexual appetites and requirements, and it will vary with age and temperament and length of marriage and backgrounds and whatever, and I can't be the one to say, "Here's the only perspective that's right, and if you don't think the way I do, something's wrong." I can't say definitively that cosleeping is best for everyone else, except to say that, barring any dire consequences to the parents' partnership, it's worth it for the kids.

What if one parent doesn't want to cosleep and the other does, and the non-cosleeping parent is worried about ruining the sex life? That is a toughie. I don't have that experience first-hand, but my theory would be for the cosleeping advocate to be as thoughtful as possible in creating a situation that would work for everyone. Look back at some of the potential arrangements up there and see if one would work, such as starting off the night in an adults-only bed, but then the cosleeping parent moves and finishes the night in the baby's room. It might mean buying bigger beds for everyone, but it could definitely work. Also, gently, sensitively, teach your partner about the benefits of cosleeping and ask for a little leeway to get things all figured out. Even if you're not cosleeping, your sex lives are going to be different, so don't let cosleeping take all the fall for that.

Do you look forward to not cosleeping? I do and I don't. I loved sleeping with just Sam, and I love the chances we've rediscovered to snuggle at the beginning of the night. I enjoy the convenience and comfort of regular-old-bed sex and will likely appreciate that more once it's returned to me. That said, I can see how perfect and natural it is for Mikko to be sleeping with us, and I really do love having him there — so much that I don't want to think about it ending. So I won't. (Fingers in ears, la la la.)


So there you have it.

If you have more specific sex-and-cosleeping questions, feel free to post them in the comments and it will be a real Q & A instead of a fake one. And if you have suggestions or better answers to the above, feel free to post those as well, because that would be helpful to anyone else asking the questions.

And I have a whole 'nother post's worth of sex talk in me, about how our sex lives change from pre-parenting to post-, but we're probably all satisfied for now. (What? I'm not allowed to use double meanings intentionally?)

To sum up: If you want to cosleep and you want to have sex, you will figure out a way to do them both. Don't worry.

In honor of today's topic of attachment parenting principle #5: Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally (Bedding Close to Baby), a painting from Post Scriptorum on flickr (cc).

This post is a continuation of Hobo Mama's celebration of Attachment Parenting Month, October 2009. This article focuses on the third principle of attachment parenting: Respond with Sensitivity (Belief in the Language Value of Your Baby's Cry)

Attachment parents are responsive parents. I think that might actually be the one characteristic that sums up the whole of attachment parenting. When a baby is hungry, an attachment parent offers the breast (breastfeeding). When a baby is tired, an attachment parent offers a warm body to snuggle against (cosleeping). When a baby is curious but timid, an attachment parent offers a safe vantage point to view the world (babywearing). And when a baby cries, an attachment parent believes that those cries have value.

This is principle/Baby B #3:

Respond with Sensitivity (Belief in the Language Value of Your Baby's Cry)

If anything divides attachment parents from mainstream parents, it's how to treat a crying baby. For several generations now, parents have been told that responding too quickly and too often to a crying baby will "spoil" the baby, that it will teach the child (from newborns on!) that she can manipulate you, that babies must be taught to self-soothe, and, at all costs and heaven forbid this not happen, babies must learn independence.

Attachment parenting listens to all this and calls it what it is: hogwash.

More than that, attachment parenting looks at the evidence of what babies mean when they cry (they have a need), and at the evidence of what happens when nobody responds to a baby's cry (they experience detrimental levels of stress), and at what other cultures and other times have instinctively practiced (instant response to a baby's cry), and attachment parenting says that not responding to the baby, toddler, or child in your care, annoyingly piercing and shrill or not, is a form of child abuse.

I don't use that term to be inflammatory or to skewer parents who have used cry-it-out (CIO) methods. I don't use it lightly, either, because I have no intention of diminishing more egregious forms of abuse. I point the finger back at myself when I say it, because I have been guilty at times of getting so overwhelmed by Mikko and his needs that I have stormed off to leave him to cry alone, or with only his father, who was not the comfort he wanted at the time. But I do see that as guilt, and I am sorry for each time I've failed him in that way.

What I'm saying is that babies are biologically wired to use their cries as communication. When we purposely ignore our babies, under the guise of "teaching" them something, what we're teaching them is...

...that they can't trust us to be there for them.

...that they're in this unfamiliar world alone.

...that they will have to meet their own needs.

...that we don't love them enough to respond when we can.

I've heard an analogy, and it was an eye-opening one for me. I wish I could remember where I heard it first, to give proper credit.

Imagine that a time has come when you've had to make the difficult decision to place your beloved mother into a nursing home, due to her failing health. She can't take care of herself now. You go to check on her, and she's wet herself and has been lying in it for who knows how long. She's thirsty but couldn't reach her cup on the bedside table. She's lonely because no one's been checking on her. You find the nearest nurse and demand to know why your mother hasn't been taken care of and had her needs met. The nurse tells you: "If you respond every time they cry, they start thinking you're always going to. If you give them an inch, they'll take a mile. She just needs to learn independence. Besides, it's working — she's been quiet for the last few hours." You wouldn't be happy that your mother had given up and "self-soothed" herself into apparent contentment (but really resignation). You'd be infuriated at the insensitivity of the people who were supposed to care for her, and you'd be alarmed at what effect this loveless treatment must have had on your mother's spirit.

Crying is supposed to give us a signal that something is wrong. It's supposed to trigger those feelings of discomfort that make us want to do something to stop the crying. When it takes a shelf-load or more of books to train parents on how to ignore their baby's crying for progressively longer times, that shows how unnatural and forced it is: Not to respond is actually harder than responding.

So give in. Believe your baby has something of value to say to you. And then carry that belief through to when that baby gains words and an ability to communicate more directly. If your partner was crying, you would respond immediately with concern and a hug. If your friend was excited, you would jump up and down, too. We're honored to treat our children with the same empathy and respect.

I want to point you to a few more links on the subject.

     • I found this article at Rachel's Ramblings — "Crying It Out Once" — to be incredibly poignant. The first time she tried crying it out was when her son was 2 years old, and at that age he was able to use words to break her heart and bring her back. "That is why I am glad that I never left him to cry alone when he was an infant and without words I could understand," she writes. When I first read her post, I had just had such an experience of exasperation myself, so it was wrenching to read the reminder of what we do to our children when we separate ourselves from them when they need us.

     • PhD in Parenting has written several articles on the science and morality of crying it out. A favorite is "Cry it out (CIO): 10 reasons why it is not for us," which goes through the biology behind excessive infant crying and how it causes stress reactions, developmental problems, emotional issues, insecurity, detachment, and trauma — results that persist into later life and adult relationships. At the end, she gives several links to her research on the subject, so check those out for more footnotes than I'm providing here. (I'm lazy. What can I say.) For what to do instead of CIO, check out her wise article "Gentle Baby and Toddler Sleep Tips," which will help you find alternatives to crying it out that will still net you and yours a healthy night's sleep (sometimes, maybe, no promises, but ultimately yes).

     • To move the conversation along to respecting all ages of children, think over Arwyn's post at Raising My Boychick: "Dancing between the tables: on the personhood of children," on how we as a society deny children the right to behave and communicate like children. It starts with ignoring a baby's cries, and it continues to discriminating against any sort of behavior that's not exactly in line with what's convenient to adults (read: quiet and unnoticeable, which is a higher and much more unreasonable standard than that to which we hold other adults!).

     • And also read Ruth's (p)response on the topic at Look Left of the Pleiades: "People who dance between tables." Brilliant quotes: "Children do have age-specific support requirements. ... Having a need for age-specific support should not make anyone any less human. It should not make you any less listened to, should not make you any less important; should not make your pain any less real; should not mean you have less agency; should not make people assume the choices you make are less valid or even laughable; it should not make you the butt of jokes; it should not make your life into nothing more than a plotline for people who do not have the same support requirements; should not mean that if something frightening happens to you because your support requirements have not been met that this is somehow hilarious; should not mean that you are not allowed into public areas because of your need for support; should not mean that if you display your need for support vocally that you or your carer are disparaged." And, simply: "Children are humans. People."

     • And here are a few more articles I've written on the subject of responding to and respecting children: "Respecting short people" talks about how TV nannies really just show who's being childish in giving time-outs and refusing to play until some arbitrary rule is followed, and how the way our schools treat high school students is dehumanizing and degrading. "Why do we push our babies out of the nest?" muses about the cultural conditioning of independence as elucidated in Our Babies, Ourselves and wonders what we hope to gain by creating entirely independent children. "A distaste for dependence" is where I acknowledge my own limitations and stumbling blocks in being as responsive as I want to be, and Arwyn in the comments gives me a better word choice of "interdependent" as my (our) ultimate goal in attachment parenting. Finally (for now), "Tantrums and the terrible twos" describes how my particular son, with all his drama and innocence, keeps reminding me of the need to respond fairly, sensitively, and with great joy and honor at being needed and communicated with.

This post is a continuation of Hobo Mama's celebration of Attachment Parenting Month, October 2009.

As I mentioned in my intro to attachment parenting post, the core of my parenting philosophy is reflected in Attachment Parenting International's eight principles. I'm sure there are a few more even than that, but since it's Attachment Parenting Month, let's keep it simple...

To start off with in case you're new to attachment parenting and want a general overview, or if you're just curious about what these mysterious principles are, I'll go over each principle in turn to give my little summary about what each is and why it's important to you and your child. I've put in parentheses after each one what the original corresponding Baby B is, from Dr. Sears' books, in case you're more familiar with the original list. Just a note that there are eight principles but only seven Baby Bs, so one principle is a bonus!

My plan is to write an article corresponding to each element during October. I'll link up each article in the list at the end of the intro post as I finish, so check back later for the whole enchilada.

What I've written as an intro to the principles below isn't an exhaustive explanation of each principle. That is, there's plenty more I could say on each one, but I'm just giving a general first impression of what I think they mean.

In the same way, my articles to align with each principle will be on one or more aspect of the principles and aren't meant to sum each one up in its entirety. So, if you have anything to add in the comments or in a reciprocal post, please do! I love the feeling of celebrating this month in community.


Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting (Birth Bonding)

The original Sears idea was more narrowly defined as bonding with your baby immediately after birth, because that is when the newborn first imprints on the mother (à la geese, I guess), as well as the best time to initiate breastfeeding. Now, to bond with a baby immediately after birth requires that you start preparing for that moment beforehand. Because hospitals tend to be detachment-oriented, whisking babies away for observation, cleaning, weighing, vaccinations, and tests immediately after their emergence into the world, parents need to be intentional about setting up a way for holding the baby skin to skin as soon as possible (barring any medical complications, of course). It might mean choosing a home birth, or it might mean hiring a doula to advocate for you in a hospital environment. It might mean writing a birth plan and researching to find a health caregiver who respects birth plans (not this guy). I'm not saying any of this to shame or grieve mothers who, for medical reasons, could not bond with their children immediately following birth, or parents who've been placed with adopted children well after their birth. For the most part, children can and will still attach firmly even if you've both missed those first significant moments together (because we're not geese, see?). But if you can be present and fulfill those needs, you might as well try hard to. Imagine it from your baby's perspective: from warmth and snugness, through a strange squeezing, out into a cold, dry, bright, overwhelming world. Who better to calm him than the person who smells and sounds and feels just right?

The API principle goes on to urge parents to think about their parenting beforehand, as well, rather than stopping all research at the pregnancy and birth stage. I'll cop to being so excited about pregnancy that it was almost a struggle to think beyond that thrilling nine months! But it pays to think ahead of time about how babies are when they come into the world, what they need from you, and how you'll set up your life to meet those needs. I'll talk more about breastfeeding below, but that's a big place to prepare mentally. A couple great books to start you off as you parent a newborn are Our Babies, Ourselves: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent, which is an anthropological look at how our parenting of infants varies by culture, and what kind of parenting is biologically most appropriate; and The Happiest Baby on the Block: The New Way to Calm Crying and Help Your Newborn Baby Sleep Longer, a more practical how-to for soothing newborn fussiness, as well as to give you an understanding for why newborns are so emotionally immature. When you're considering children is also the time to start talking with your partner, if you have one, about how you intend to parent as a team. Ideally you'll be on the same side to begin with, but if not — this might be the time to win your significant other over!



Feed with Love and Respect (Breastfeeding)

The most normal way to feed an infant is by breastfeeding, and it's nature's way of firmly attaching mothers and infants, through the complex dance of hormones and the regular close contact that breastfeeding requires. API also points out that breastfeeding behaviors can be adapted to other types of feeding. For instance, when bottle feeding, hold your infant close, angled in toward you, and offer a lot of touch and eye contact. Regardless of your feeding choice, feed on cue, trying to note hunger signals before the baby reaches the crying stage. As a mother of a very dramatic baby, I know this isn't always possible! One good "rule" for feeding newborns is: Feed them all the time! Ha ha. But, seriously, very young babies eat little bits at a time round the clock, to fuel all the astonishing physical and mental growth taking place, as well as to satisfy their innate need to be held and loved on. Breastfeeding and other types of cuddling, particularly mother-infant skin-to-skin contact, also helps babies regulate their temperature, so that's another reason young infants seek out the breast throughout the day and night. By feeding "with love and respect," as the API principle says, when your baby is young, and breastfeeding if possible, you set the stage for appropriate eating habits when your baby starts adding in solid foods (sometime in the six- to fourteen-month range is generally when they'll start being able and willing to reach for supplemental foods), and even further on into childhood and beyond. Breastfeeding has a protective effect against childhood obesity, maybe because babies learn to eat when they're hungry, stop when they're full, and associate food with good, safe feelings. The most foolproof way to feed toddlers who are learning to eat on their own, in my experience with one so far, is to offer a variety of healthful choices and allow them to continue feeding, and breastfeeding, on cue.



Respond with Sensitivity (Belief in the Language Value of Your Baby's Cry)

One of the biggest divides between attachment parenting and mainstream parenting, as advised by Weissbluth or Ferber or Spock, is that attachment parenting is firmly against the practice of "crying it out," or ignoring a baby's cries, particularly as the baby is going to sleep. Rather than teaching young infants to "self-soothe," attachment parents know that soothing is something the parents model by being responsive and loving. Believe that your baby cries to tell you something. Very young infants cry to tell you they're hungry, wet, cold, tired — or maybe it's to tell you they "just" want to be held. Parents don't need to make value judgments when they respond to an infant's needs or wants. By responding quickly and empathetically, your baby learns to trust you and — well, attach.

Older babies, toddlers, and children hold just as much value in their communication. In a world where children are denigrated and ignored, attachment parenting believes that even short people have a voice, and that our role as parents is to listen with sensitivity and respect.



Use Nurturing Touch (Babywearing)

One of the biggest tools the Searses found worked for their high-needs babies was to carry them around. Walking, bouncing, skin-to-skin contact — all of it was like a magic prescription of soothing security. To make all this carrying easier on parents, babyminders in other cultures have known for centuries that wearing your baby is the best bet. Some cultures tie their babies on to the adults' fronts, sides, or backs with a simple length of cloth knotted at the shoulder, while other cultures use a longer length of cloth to wrap around the baby and parent several times over. Still others use a special board or basket to help make carrying easier. In our culture, parents and caregivers have discovered and created a range of baby slings, wraps, and carriers based on these old patterns, and babywearers find a carrier or two (or five) that work for them.

Babywearing offers a host of benefits. Babywearing stimulates the baby physically, gently preparing muscles for crawling and walking. It develops babies emotionally and mentally by allowing them to view the world from a comfortable level while remaining secure in trusted arms. It replicates the sensations of being back in the safety of the womb: constant contact, warmth, a soothing heartbeat and the sound of a familiar voice, and the rocking motions associated with being walked around for nine months. Babywearing also helps make breastfeeding easier (a lot of these principles intersect in just such a happy way!) by keeping baby close to the mama and allowing for frequent snacking.

So that's how babywearing helps out the baby. How it helps out the parents is by leaving hands free for other tasks or for taking care of older children. The soothing value of babywearing helps calm parents' frayed nerves as well. It's easier on the back than lugging a ginormous plastic bucket around, and keeps babies up at a safe level where parents can keep an eye on them. And I can say this from experience — wearing your baby gets you a lot of smiles when you're out in public! Who doesn't love a cute, chubby baby up at eye height?

As babies turn to running toddlers and as children outgrow their babywearing days, touch remains a constant and regular reminder of your attachment to your children, for both of you. Gently wrestling, playing airplane, or doing flips; giving back rubs and hugs; scrubbing them clean in the bath and brushing their hair — we continue to connect with our children through loving touch.



Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally (Bedding Close to Baby)

When you're breastfeeding and avoiding crying it out, it starts making more and more sense to sleep with your baby. It keeps your baby from being upset at night, and it keeps the milk bar close at hand.

Some families cosleep in one family bed, as we do (my advice: king size mattress on the floor, all the way!). Others use a side-car arrangement with a crib or commercial cosleeper. Others keep a crib in their bedroom but put the baby back to sleep after feeding.

I'm pretty biased toward the first two options, but maybe that's because I love my sleep. Cosleeping as a family has been comforting for our son, as well as easier for me as a breastfeeding mama. I can just roll over and offer each side as needed, without really regaining consciousness.

There are guidelines for safe cosleeping, so make sure to check them out before sleeping with an infant. As a quick summary, go with a firm mattress with no unsafe gaps or drops, keep bedding or pillows away from the face, and don't overdress the baby. Parents in bed should be clear-headed and free of any substances that would affect their consciousness. When these guidelines are followed, cosleeping is very safe. Check out some of the fabulous research like that of James McKenna while you decide what's right for your family.



Provide Consistent and Loving Care (Beware of Baby Trainers)

This is where attachment parenting sometimes gets bashed for being relevant only for stay-at-home moms with a lot of time on their hands. In the ideal world, breastfeeding babies would stay (physically) attached to their mothers until it was time for them to start spending more time with other trusted childminders, and later still in a small consistent group of other children, with easy access at all times to return to the mother for feeding or comfort. The problem is, we live in a world that sets up dichotomies: either you stay at home full time, or you put your baby in daycare with strangers full time. Either you breastfeed exclusively, or you formula feed exclusively. And so on. Don't let the stated dichotomies fool you, though. Nothing is that black and white. I, for instance, am a work-from-home mama in a family business who has found a small, nurturing preschool for a couple half-days a week. Yes, parenting can, does, probably should require sacrifice in some aspects, but it doesn't require martyrdom — you need to figure out what works for you as a family. (See Balance below for more on this.)

No matter what (or who), babies and young children need consistent, loving, responsive caregiving. The bulk of their experience with being parented will ideally come from a parent or two, but alternate caregivers can be used successfully if the child can attach in a loving way to them as well. I've written a lot about how I wish finding such caregivers were more convenient and natural in our non-tribal society, but I'll admit I love seeing the results of Mikko spending time with other adults who care deeply for him and vice versa.


Practice Positive Discipline (Not Really Mentioned)

I think discipline was left out of the original Baby Bs because, again, they focused more on young infants. I would hope that no one thinks young infants need to be disciplined in any way, but obviously ignoring babies' cries is in itself a form of cruel discipline, a way of teaching babies not to trust in parents' responsiveness and that being quiet is valued above being loved.

At any rate, I have no problem with Sears leaving it out of the original list, but I recognize its place as toddlers and older children come into the picture. When any group of parents gets together to swap advice, with babies, it's all about sleeping; with toddlers on up, it's all about discipline (and sleeping). I don't know how healthy it is to focus so obsessively on discipline, when for many of us discipline means "getting kids to do what I want" or, in other words, what would be convenient for me.

In contrast, here's what the API site says:

"Positive discipline helps a child develop a conscience guided by his own internal discipline and compassion for others. Discipline that is empathetic, loving, and respectful strengthens the connection between parent and child. Rather than reacting to behavior, discover the needs leading to the behavior. Communicate and craft solutions together while keeping everyone's dignity intact."

To that, I'd just like to add: Read Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason, by Alfie Kohn. The end. All right, it's more like the beginning. Unconditional Parenting changed my whole perspective on the subject of discipline, and how our reactions to our children strengthen or undermine their sense of being loved.



Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life (Balance)

Here's where attachment parenting is trying to defend itself against the detractors I mentioned in "Provide consistent and loving care." Attachment parenting really doesn't take more out of you than mainstream parenting. It's parenting itself that can be a little wearing, so take breaks if you need to. Find supportive people who can help you, and say "yes" when they offer. Especially when parenting a newborn, you might have to let other (all other) things go while you get used to the whole breastfeeding thing.

When you have the energy and time, add back in some activities that make you feel like you. It could be writing, or photography, or dance. Don't forget that there's a person underneath the parent.

I'll plug Scott Noelle again here, because I find that his Daily Groove emails consistently remind me that parenting is supposed to be fun. It's a way of connecting to another, little human being, and discovering just who he or she is.


All right, now to write (more of) an article for each point! Stay tuned, loyal readers, if indeed you have read this far. (Congratulations!)