Welcome to the January Carnival of Natural Parenting: Learning from children
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared the many lessons their children have taught them. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
My first bewildered look
Before we had children, Sam and I considered it all very logically and asked a lot of meta questions.
What if we had a child just like one of our siblings? for instance. Would we be content with that? What if we had a wild child, when we're laid-back? What if we had a party-loving butterfly, considering we're socially awkward homebodies? What if we had an athlete, when we're uncoordinated and sedentary? What if our child loved camping when we both dropped out of Scouts?
But, more, what if we just didn't like our kid? What if our child, especially as he or she grew, embodied values we found distressing or unapproachable in adults — like lack of a sense of humor, or extreme clinginess, or failure of introspection, or intolerance of differences? What if our child, as an adult, repudiated all the choices we had made, prioritizing earning money over being with family, joining the opposite political party, and embracing all the belief systems we had rejected?
When Mikko came out, all 11 pounds and 13 ounces of him, I looked down at his squishy Neanderthal face and had a moment of disconnect: So this is what you look like, huh? This is what has been beating inside me for nine months? Who are you?Part of it was the swelling and molding of vaginal childbirth, but part was that the most salient features, full lips and wide nose, were all from Sam's side of the family in those early weeks. I couldn't see a trace of me there.
And then those early months were so hard, so hard. The crying and bouncing and waiting for a sign that he understood who we were, that he cared at all, that he could communicate back some of the love we had been lavishing on him. Sam and I often wondered what we had given up to become parents — our carefree and us-centered lives, now focused on one small person.
So here we are, three and a half years later, and Mikko has grown into chubby cheeks I remember from my childhood (and in to my twenties…don't mock) and his eyes, so slitted and slate at birth, have morphed and settled into my dark green. But, you know, that's not the point. The point is what I've realized — this child never was me. He never existed to fulfill my ideals for what his character or future should embody. He is himself.
But, even more importantly? I've learned that I like him. That I cannot help liking him.No matter who he is, no matter who he becomes, he's my child. My love for him is overwhelming and instinctual and not something I had to reach for. It just came upon me, inevitable.
I am pregnant now with our second child, and every once in awhile, I have a gasp of fear. What were we thinking? What if this is the child we cannot like? How will the two of them together get along? What new things will we be giving up to have two children rather than just one?
But, mostly, I am calm. Because I know now — it's surreal at first to meet your child, and it's hard those first months (year…), but — it gets better. You familiarize yourself with this little one, and your heart opens and swallows up every little detail down to the ringlets over the ears and the dimples dotting each knuckle. You get to know this person as he or she grows, and it's just right. This one belongs with you, and there is no doubt anymore.
That is what my child has taught me, and what my unborn child is already teaching me. That our hearts are bigger than our minds, that we were designed to love our children just because, that all our rationalizations disappear under the onslaught of cute and chubby and drool and toothless-to-toothy smiles. That, no matter what and no matter how old we both get or how much they change, we will always smile when we see our child's sweet face come into view.
Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be live and updated by afternoon January 11 with all the carnival links.)
- Affection — Alicia at I Found My Feet has finally become a hugger and kisser, now she has someone sweet and small to snuggle with. (@aliciafagan)
- Learning from Daniel — Amy at Anktangle hopes that she and her husband will always be open to learning from their son. (@anktangle)
- Kids Cultivate Awareness of Universal Truths — From forgiveness to joy, Amy Phoenix at Innate Wholeness has become aware of deep truths that come naturally to children. (@InnateWholeness)
- What the Apple Teaches the Tree — Becky at Future Legacy has learned about imagination, forgiveness, and strength.
- A Lesson in Slowing Time — Bethy at Bounce Me To the Moon revels in the chance to just be with her baby.
- Learning From My Children: I Am So Honored — WAHM Chante at My Natural Motherhood Journey is learning to choose tea parties over work. (@MyMotheringPath)
- P-A-T-I-E-N-C-E — Now that she's a mother, Danielle at born.in.japan is finally learning about a personality trait she lacked. (@borninjp)
- Top 5 Homeschool Lessons My Children Taught Me — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares what she learned from homeschooling her (now grown) children. (@DebChitwood)
- Learning to Live in the Present By Looking to the Future — Dionna at Code Name: Mama finds the patience to be a gentle parent, because she knows how fleeting childhood really is. (@CodeNameMama)
- The watchful Buddha boy — At Dreaming Aloud, they are learning to cherish their thoughtful, sensitive child in a action-driven, noisy world. (@DreamingAloudNt)
- What My Children Taught Me — Dulce de Leche's children have taught her to value herself for the wonderful person and mother she is.
- Lessons from the First Year — Having a child made Emily at Crunchy(ish) Mama realize that her decisions affect more than just herself. (@CrunchyishMama)
- Lessons from Loss — Erica at ChildOrganics learned so much from the love — and loss — of her sweet Bella, five years ago. (@ChildOrganics)
- The Socratic Baby — Erin at Multiple Musings has so-called "identical" twins to serve as a daily lesson in nature vs. nurture. (@ErinLittle)
- Learning to be a Mother — Farmer's Daughter learned the type of patience that enabled her to calmly eat one-handed for months and change clothes seven times a day, before noon. (@FarmDaughter)
- A Few Things Being a Mom Has Taught Me — Heather at Musing Mommy shares the curious, hilarious, and sometimes Murphy's Law-like tidbits we learn from our children. (@xakana)
- I Feel You — Motherhood has taught Jamey from At the Bee Hive empathy, and it extends beyond just her child. (@JameyBly)
- Lessons From My Child… — Jenny at I'm a full-time mummy shares the inspiring ways she's learned to expect the unexpected — and have a camera ready! (@imaftmummy)
- My child is my mirror — Jessica Claire at Crunchy-Chewy Mama has seen herself in her children – and it's not bad. (@crunchychewy)
- There is enough to go around… — Kellie at Our Mindful Life learned that love doesn't diminish when it's shared.
- Learning From Our Children, Every Day — Kimberly at Homeschooling in Nova Scotia, Canada is continually inspired by her children. (@UsborneBooksCB)
- Life Lessons From My Children — Kristen at Adventures in Mommyhood has learned that every slug is fascinating, doing the dishes is fun, and sharing a banana is a delight. (@crunchymamato2)
- Things I've Learned From My Children — Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings uses pictures to share what she has learned from her children. (@sunfrog)
- Beyond the questions lies the answer — Lauren at Hobo Mama stopped wondering and started knowing — loving and liking our children comes naturally. (@Hobo_Mama)
- Learning from Children — Lily, aka Witch Mom, finds out just how enchanting balloons can be. (@LilyShahar)
- Lifelong Learning — Lindsay at Living in Harmony has learned that what works for one kid might not work for another. (@AttachedMama)
- Walking alongside my daughter — Lindsey at Mama Cum Laude is learning to give the clock less power over her family's life.
- Things my baby taught me about me — Luschka at Diary of a First Child is proud of how she has grown as a mother. (@lvano)
- From my children, I have learned — Mama Mo at Attached at the Nip has a litany of beautiful lessons, from selflessness to sleeplessness.
- The Little Things in Life — In a simple and lovely prose poem, Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children shows how adults worry about the wrong things and forget the little, important ones: watching ladybugs, jumping in leaves, cherishing each moment as it comes.
- The Virtues of Motherhood — Melissa at The New Mommy Files has had opportunities to learn from children as both a teacher and a mother. (@NewMommyFiles)
- My Kids Have Taught Me That It's Time To Stop Blogging — Melodie at Breastfeeding Moms Unite! has learned that childhoods fly by too fast to blog. We'll miss your wonderful online presence, Melodie, and we wish you much peace and happiness. (@bfmom)
- Having Kids Has Taught me a Thing or Two — Michelle at The Parent Vortex learns all day long — from fun facts about hedgehogs to tying a complicated wrap with a screaming child and an audience. (@TheParentVortex)
- We Could All Learn from the Children — Momma Jorje takes time to get on the floor and play so that she can see the world through her child's eyes.
- Teaching Forgiveness — Mrs Green at Little Green Blog has a daughter who's taught her unconditional love — even when she feels like she does't deserve it. (@littlegreenblog)
- Parenting as a joint venture — Olivia at Write About Birth appreciates watching the astonishing way her children learn. (@writeaboutbirth)
- Beginner's Mind — Rachael at The Variegated Life learns from a child who builds bridges to nowhere, calls letter magnets his numbers, and insists dinnertime is truck time. (@RachaelNevins)
- A baby's present — RS at A Haircut and a Shave presents a short poem on the differences between a baby's mindfulness and ours.
- Self-Confidence Was Born With My Daughter — Sara at Halfway Crunchy learned to trust her instincts by responding to her child's needs — and saw her self-confidence bloom.
- The Importance of Being Less Earnest — Seonaid at The Practical Dilettante has one list of earnest and one list of silly things she has learned as a parent. (@seonaid_lee)
- Lessons my children have taught me — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes learned that attachment parenting was the best way to meet the needs of her child and herself. (@Sheryljesin)
- Till the water is clear — Stacy at Mama-Om learns that being present is the best present. (@mama_om)
- I Hold It — Stefanie at Very, Very Fine has learned that the ability to communicate is much more important than the number of words a child knows.
- What My Children Taught Me About Letting Go — Summer at Finding Summer is learning from her kids to laugh in the face of heartache. (@summerminor)
- Finding My Tools — The Artsymama has applied some of what she's learned as a mama in the classroom, with great results!
I'm Lauren Wayne, writer and natural parent. I embrace attached parenting with an emphasis toward green living. 
22 comments:
word! this reminds me: i used to work with a woman whose children were the worst -- trouble with the law, drugs, violent outburts, the works. she bailed them out, lent them her car, kept her home open to them and on several occasions after she'd lamented her situation i basically told her she was a pushover and an idiot. the day i gave birth, i texted her and said i was sorry; this kid could gleefully run me over with my own car and i'd still think he was precious. definitely not a feeling i'd anticipated.
Stefanie's comment sums up everything I felt in my heart too. Your post is striking lovely lady and reaches the core of every parent out there. I love this line "My love for him is overwhelming and instinctual and not something I had to reach for. It just came upon me, inevitable." So true, so so true - the overwhelming unconditional love I have for my daughter still encompasses me at time and leaves me gasping for breath. How can it be that I love another so much? Awesome stuff; thank you for putting it all into words.
Such a beautiful post! I, too, was a but bewildered when my daughter was first placed on my chest. I had pictured a little blondie - a tiny version of me, but she had dark hair and all of my husband's features. The more time goes on, however, the more I see that she is totally, unapologetically, herself. And I hope that she always will be.
This reminds me of Kahlil Gibran's poem, On Children. You have likely read it, but if not you ought to look it up. It's just a beautiful piece, and I think you would really appreciate it.
Such true words. I also was surprised by my daughter at first. She looked so much like my husband, and she really felt like a stranger in my house. But, like you said, the love and the affection for who she is, fundamentaly, just keeps on growing.
This is lovely and very true post. My husband and I often talked about the same thing when we were pregnant. He always felt overshadowed by his little brother since my husband was so different then the rest of his family. He was so nervous that he would not click with our son and make him fel the same way he feels. But that us just not the case! We love him s much and,like you sad, we can't help but like him! He is much more active and social then us and it brings us out of our shell!
Thanks for the amazing post!
I love your just letting your child be himself. I might be imposing too much of me on my kid in my thinking about what I see of myself in him. :-)
It's funny how now that he is almost five and so into things I recall as "boy" behaviors that annoyed me (growling, making loud truck noises, being really physical), I've noticed less patience and "liking" of him. It was really clear when he was sick the other day and was just sweet like he was at three (he even took a nap, which hasn't happened much in two years). I realized how short my wick has been with his brash 4-year-old self. Reading "Your Four-Year-Old" has helped me see this as a developmental phase, and now I think that I should also renew "Raising Your Spirited Child" from the library so that I can really appreciate him for who he is instead of wanting him to be who he has already grown out of.
I love this photo strip! I've never done one of those with my son and will be on the lookout for a machine!
Beautiful! Before I became a mother, I'd thought I'd loved before - really, truly, passionately loved someone. How wrong I was. This motherhood gig is INCREDIBLE - the depth of emotions, the ferocity. No matter who Kieran would have been, I have no doubt I would still feel this way.
That's beautiful, both the sentiment and the writing. "This one belongs with you," WITH you, really strikes me. So often we think of children as belong "to" their parents, but anyone who's loved a toddler/preschooler (school-aged, and I'm sure beyond!!) through a power struggle knows that isn't true.
What a sweet post! It is so funny to see their personalities form and flourish. My first child and I have many common interests, but her personality is very similar to her father's. Of course I love that, as I was drawn to it to begin with! My second child has taught me what it is like to live with *me*. He acts JUST like me. And that means the things I like about myself as well as the things that I don't. And amazingly enough, I'm able to laugh at the things I don't like about myself, in both myself and him! Ooooh, but they make us stretch and grow!
Beautifully written post. Your photo strip is too cute, it's bursting with personality! These little people are always teaching us, aren't they?!
Beautiful as always. I had those same worries when I was pregnant with my second child and I can assure you I love her just as much as the first. But it always feels weird when that comes to fruition.
I remember when I was pregnant with Orlando (my first) and I would get all excited, thinking, "Oh! Maybe it [didn't know the sex] will have curly hair" or something about its future self, and then my husband and I would look at each other and put our hands on my belly and say, "We love you baby, we love you baby, already we love you for whatever it is you are."
And it is a journey -- to keep stumbling upon that realization of just who are children are, seeing them clearly, unconditionally.
Blessings,
Stacy
I have to echo what Dionna said - I had loved truly, deeply and passionately before Kyra was born, but only with her birth did I either understand what unconditional love is, or that I was even capable of such an emotion.
Beautiful post - I look forward to reading about your journey with number two.
Love this post, and it is so true. There is something about watching these little people grow and become themselves. All of my expectations and worries flew out the window when my first was born. The depth of love I feel for my kids is absolutely incredible.
Yes, yes, yes! Our hearts ARE so much bigger than our minds.
I remember when Daniel was born, a few days later I was nursing him and all of a sudden I realized (and said to him, aloud), "It was YOU inside me all that time!" It's so miraculous how we invite this tiny stranger into our lives, and end up loving them more than we ever could have imagined loving someone we knew already.
Beautiful post; thanks for writing it.
I just love that last photo!
What a wonderful feeling it is to realize that your child is someone you *like*. I remember taking my daughter out to a cafe when she was about 20 months old and I so geniunely enjoyed her company I could have cried. Beautiful post.
Lovely post, Lauren! What a great statement that "our hearts are bigger than our minds." There's never really any question that we'll love our children intensely and unconditionally. And it's true that even though my kids are now 20 and 25, I still smile whenever I see their faces come into view.
Deb @ LivingMontessoriNow.com
This reminds me...
When I discovered I was pregnant with Sasha, there was a lot of debate. I wasn't sure I would keep her. I had thought I was done having babies. I did (obviously) decide to keep her. Then when I had a threatened miscarriage, part of what made it so scary to me was that I had nearly decided to terminate on my own. Then, once I embraced the pregnancy, it was almost taken from me.
I realize how wonderfully lucky I am to have her. With each of my children (even the one I had as a teenager and gave up to my mother), I realize that my life would not be the same without them; *I* would not be the same without them.
Our experiences and the people we love (including and perhaps especially our children!), mold us into who we are. And we may question while we're still expecting, but once we meet our children and they meld into our families, we can not imagine life without them! My mother even asked me recently "Can you imagine if you had decided to to have her?" I can not.
OK, now I'm just about outright crying. You know, my mom (who died when I was 22) once said something about enjoying watching us grow up and finding out who we really are. The becoming and discovering never ends....
Hi Lauren!
Thanks for dropping by my blog and commenting! :) I love the picture of your beautiful child!
Yes, my heart is bigger than my mind, and sees more clearly sometimes. I always knew I would LOVE my babies, but I didn't know how big that word can grow. And I remember the day I realized I *like* being with them. I like their little personalities and we have genuine fun together. I love this motherhood gig, as Dionna said :-)
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