Monday, March 14, 2016

Funniest inexplicable Kidz Bop lyric changes


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Do your kids listen to Kidz Bop music albums? Mikko got into them in a big way a couple years ago and has since gone back off them, but they greatly amused me. For the uninitiated into their ubiquitous television infomercials, they're CDs of kids singing pop songs.

Since these pop songs are being sung by minors, the producers have changed many of the lyrics to often hilarious and baffling results. I'm not even talking censoring swears or bowdlerizing sexiness — they change things in some truly bizarre ways, ostensibly to protect your children's innocent ears.

Here are a few of my still-family-friendly favorites:

Uma Thurman, by Fall Out Boy


Original:
She wants to dance like Uma Thurman
Bury me till I confess

Kidz Bop 30:
She wants to dance like Uma Thurman
Talk to me till I confess

Don't bury anyone, kids! The original doesn't seem offensive to me, just…odd? Guess Kidz Bop decided to clarify: They're just talking.

Original:
Keep you like an oath
May nothing but death do us part

Kidz Bop 30:
Keep you like an oath
May nothing but this do us part

This one confuses me no end. The original is a quotation from typical Christian marriage vows. What's "this" in the new version?


Ex's and Oh's, by Elle King


Original:
Well, I had me a boy, turned him into a man
I showed him all the things that he didn't understand

Kidz Bop 31:
Well, I knew me a boy, and yes he was a friend
I told him him all the things that he didn't understand

Now, ok, I get why they wanted to alter the implied sexuality, but this change is so opaque. I had a friend who was a boy and was really dumb.



Original:
One, two, three, they gonna run back to me
'Cause I'm the best baby that they never gotta keep
One, two, three, they gonna run back to me
They always wanna come, but they never wanna leave

Kidz Bop 31:
One, two, three, they gonna run back to me
'Cause I'm the best friend that they never gotta keep
One, two, three, they gonna run back to me
They always wanna hang, but they never wanna leave

She's such a good friend that people take advantage. Take a hint.


All About That Bass, by Meghan Trainor


Original:
'Cause I got that boom boom that all the boys chase
And all the right junk in all the right places

Kidz Bop 27:
'Cause I got those dance moves that all the boys chase
And all the right moves in all the right places

Well, this one is repetitious, but I can't even disagree with the change. It's nice that she's being lauded for something she can do rather than something she looks like.

Original:
Yeah, my mama she told me, "Don't worry about your size"
She says, "Boys like a little more booty to hold at night"

Kidz Bop 27:
Yeah, my mama she told me, "Don't worry about your size"
She says, "Don't let it keep you at home in your room at night"

Again, can't argue with this edit. My value is not contingent upon boys' approval. I will not stay home. Thank you, Kidz Bop Mama.


All of Me, by John Legend


Original:
Love your curves and all your edges

Kidz Bop 26:
Love your words and all your edges

It was a parallel before, and now it's not. Although I guess it's true that the tween set doesn't usually have much in the way of curves, so hit 'em where they live.


Royals, by Lorde


Original:
But every song is like gold teeth, grey goose, trippin' in the bathroom,
Blood stains, ball gowns, trashin' the hotel room

Kidz Bop 25:
But every song is like gold teeth, gold goose, singin' in the bathroom,
Grass stains, ball gowns, trashing the hotel room

Wha—? I'm guessing tweens make as much sense of the original lyrics as the edit.


Call Me Maybe, by Carly Rae Jepsen


Original:
I beg and borrow and steal

Kidz Bop 22:
I beg and borrow and feel

Begging and borrowing, ok. Giving contact information to someone you just met, ok. Stealing, a bridge too far.




Counting Stars, by One Republic


Original:
I feel something so right
Doing the wrong thing
I feel something so wrong
Doing the right thing

Kidz Bop 26:
I feel something so right
Doing the right thing
I feel something so right
Doing the right thing

Lol.


Tonight, Tonight, by Hot Chelle Rae


Original:
I woke up with a strange tattoo

Kidz Bop 20:
I woke up with a strange hairdo

Don't we all?


Let It Rock, by Kevin Rudolf


Original:
But it broke his heart,
so he stuck his middle finger
to the world, to the world, to the world

Kidz Bop 15:
But it broke his heart,
so he raised his hand and waved it
to the world, to the world, to the world

Hi, world!




Dear Future Husband, by Meghan Trainor


Original:
After every fight
Just apologize
And maybe then I'll let you try and rock my body right

Kidz Bop 29:
After every fight
Just apologize
And maybe then I'll let you try and prove that you were right

No offense, Meghan, but this edit is better, too.


This video isn't Kidz Bop and has a different revised lyric, but I dug the dancing.


Style, by Taylor Swift


Original:
And I got that good girl faith and a tight little skirt

Kidz Bop 29:
And I got that good girl faith and favorite shirt

I have to admit, I kind of like this change, too. It's good to have a favorite shirt.


Breakeven, by The Script


Original:
I’m still alive but I’m barely breathin’
Just prayed to a God that I don’t believe in

Kidz Bop 18:
I’m still alive but I’m barely breathin’
Just prayin’ to a thing that I don’t believe in

Apparently this was theologically offensive.


Pompeii, by Bastille


Original:
Oh where do we begin?
The rubble or our sins?

Kidz Bop 26:
Oh where do we begin?
The rubble or our wins?

I can't decide if Kidz Bop has a particular religious bent or prefers songs to be religiously neutral.


Dark Horse, by Katy Perry


Original:
Make me your Aphrodite
Make me your one and only

Kidz Bop 26:
Make me your one and only
Make me your one and only

See? No gods allowed.


All the Right Moves, by OneRepublic


Original:
The sun is shining everyday, but it’s far away
Over the world is death

Kidz Bop 18:
The sun is shining everyday, but it’s far away
Over the world is bleeahhh

Once again, death is taboo in KidzBopLand, so they vocally smeared this out. For instance, they changed the lyric "Oh, oh, stop, this beat is killing me" in Cascada’s “Evacuate The Dancefloor” to "Oh, oh, stop, this beat is moving me."


Bad Blood, by Taylor Swift


Original:
Band-aids don't fix bullet holes

Kidz Bop 30:
Band-aids don't fix, don't you know?

My eight-year-old would disagree. We go through a box a week.




Set Fire to the Rain, by Adele


Original:
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me

Kidz Bop 22:
It was dark and I was over
Until you held my hand and you saved me

Side hugs only!


I Love It, by Icona Pop


Original:
I crashed my car into the bridge, I watched, I let it burn
… I crashed my car into the bridge
I don't care

Kidz Bop 24:
You drove your car across the bridge, I watched, you let it turn
… You drove your car across the bridge
I don't care

It makes sense that no one cares about the second one.




Shut Up and Dance, by Walk the Moon


Original:
We were victims of the night
The chemical, physical, Kryptonite

Kidz Bop 29:
We were victims of the night
The mystical, quizzical, Kryptonite

Why are chemistry and physics hardcore but mysticism is ok?


Just Give Me A Reason, by P!nk & Nate Ruess


Original:
Right from the start
You were a thief
You stole my heart
And I your willing victim

Kidz Bop 24:
Right from the start
You were a thief
You stole my heart
And I your willing person

So, wait, stealing's ok here, but not being a victim of same?


Cups, by Anna Kendrick


Original:
I've got my ticket for the long way round,
Two bottles of whiskey for the way.

Kidz Bop 25:
I've got my ticket for the long way round,
I've got my memories for the way.

I don't get it.


Team, by Lorde


Original:
So all the cups got broke
Shards beneath our feet

Kidz Bop 26:
So the dishes got broke
Shards beneath our feet

Huh? No, really. Huh?


And, yes, you're not imagining it: There are currently 31 of these albums out there. Want an incisive deconstruction of the growing conservativism of Kidz Bop lyrics? Here you go. I'd say Slate is killing it, but I guess I mean they're moving it.




1 comments:

Ali Arnone said...

this is so funny to me for some reason. i get the obvious ones, but they seem to be REALLY careful about being inappropriate and change words that are pretty ridiculous.

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