Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Assorted hilarious Tweets + a #TwitterBirth

Hobo Mama wants you to know she's a professional blogger! Look at how professional she's being!

Ever wonder what goes on on Twitter when you're not looking? So. Much. Fun.

I'm over there all the time as @Hobo_Mama (parenting & other nonsense) and @PirateFamilyFun (for our YouTube adventures) and (new) @LaurenWaynecom (for writing shtuff). I might need to join a support group….

A few years ago, I found out you can download your Twitter archive, and I discovered these gems of parenting reality, including Alrik's live-Tweeted birth:

Still true.

We did it.

I remember this! Bizarre.

Glad I've documented how socially awkward I am.

So I went to ballet with it and did deep pliƩs. Gotta put it through its paces.

Pictorial proof of our pirate family tendencies:

(Did I mention I had blond hair then?)

(I did.)

Apparently I am not all that soothing.



An eternal truth.

Sam told me these bangs made me look 28, which I accepted happily.

This turned out to be very, very true. At 5.5, he still can't follow directions or take a class.

2016 update: At 8.5, he is starting to be able to take classes. Ocasionally. If the teachers aren't too particular.

Because we all know what the proper amount is.

Ha ha!


I got a lot of Tweets back giving me tips for handling juice boxes — like using those holder things or flipping up the flaps as little handles (which my OCD kid WILL NOT let me do). But shouldn't the boxes themselves work as the beverage dispensers they purport to be? Do I need a special attachment to drink from a glass without spilling on myself, or must I reconfigure every cup to be holdable? No. So juice boxes need to go back into the fiery hole from whence they crawled.

Wait — is there?

This is fun, because I got a lot of fanciful responses about where their parents might be. I also got grave responses telling me that the author chose not to include the parents because thematically it gives Max and Ruby more autonomy, yadda yadda, of course…. The favorite theory I was given was that Ruby killed her parents so that she could boss Max around without any interference, and her grandmother went crazy from the horror, and that's why she's so childlike and doesn't exert any control over Ruby or Max. That explains it perfectly!

"Oh? Wait … you don't want my off-brand-viagra pitch? Huh. Well … ok, then. I'll take it elsewhere."

Better get a bucket.

Hey, it worked! I like to think I single-handedly changed the world here with just one Tweet.

The new trend of making parking lots too narrow for cars enrages me.

I still have it, too. Anyone want a blanket?

Why don't you leave so I can miss you?

Fair question.

Goats can get into a lot of trouble, too.

I remember Silly Guy! We sort of lost touch with him. Guess we should have gone to visit after all.

Heh heh heh.

They actually did! Thank you for your prayers.

I love a compliment.

It's important to clear things up.

That was fun times!

I took it to heart.

Alrik was almost here!

It means you're having a baby 8 hours later! Now I know.

Good call.

That was a good salad bar.

Things are a'movin'!

Wondering & waiting…

Expanded: Sam to Mikko: "Mama's going to have her baby today, and we don't know whether it's a boy or a girl." Mikko: "We'd better make 2 signs." S: "1 for a boy, 1 for a girl?" M: "1 for 'Nobody knows what it is,' and 1 for 'Everybody knows what it is!'"

In hindsight, should not have felt awkward. The baby was here 4 hours later.

I remember feeling how surreal it was to be surrounded by partying beachgoers while in labor. But it was also like Sam and the baby and I were in our own little bubble of peace and anticipation. It was sweet.

Just after midnight.

Had Sam type this one. I was wrong.

Making up for lost Tweets. As it turns out, it's hard to Tweet and labor. You can read the full birth story, over 140 characters at a time, here.

2 days later.

Babymoon FTW.

We totally had to keep him.

Isn't messing with baby skulls best left to medical professionals?

It did not go well. It has not gotten easier now that we've added a third kid.

I think some people are missing the part that considers the words flying out of their mouths.

It's hard to keep track of it all.

How'd that get in here?

These are the same neighbors who pound on their ceiling whenever my kids are running around too much during the day.

Just look what you miss if you're not following me on Twitter! You can hear all about my tax-filing woes.

And yet we made it!

Once again, I got many responses assuring me that this was a paid employee and telling me all about California's fruit-import laws. Usually people with no sense of humor stick to Facebook.

I am the only one who thought this was funny. #topgunforever

They said it couldn't be done.

It's true.

At least he's polite?

He laughed so hard.

And people say homeschooling doesn't work!

Twitter docs to the rescue! This actually worked.

Yup. And I live with him.

Especially since it's more like "Pee-ssa!" and "Toot-kie!" It's tres adorable.

Alrik's toddlerhood is as far as I've mined, but trust that there's plenty more where that came from.

Let me know your username if you're over on Twitter so I can follow you back, and feel free to share your first Tweet or funniest ones if you download your archive, too!


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