Comments on Hobo Mama: Why I chose my spouse for my birth partner

I had my husband be my birth partner because there...

2009-11-24T13:52:15.424-08:00

I had my husband be my birth partner because there really weren't any other people nearby I could have had with whom I felt comfortable enough with to share such an intimate experience. I did want one particular girlfriend be there for me but she lives a country away and in the end couldn't make it. Anyway, I actualy had a lot of anxiety over whether or not my husband could pull it off for me or not. I had major insomnia and panic attacks about him disappointing me the weeks leading up to the birth. It was awful. In the end he did a great job. For my first birth I wanted a doula even though it was a plnned homebirth. After interviewing about 7 women (I was SO picky!) I found the perfect woman and she was free! Doulas need to attned three births before they can charge and our birth was to be her first. In the end, I had an emergency CS and we didn't call her because she wouldn't have made it to the hospital on time anyway, and what would she have done for us if she had gotten there? There was nothing she could have done. We had our midwife present and that was all we could have asked for. She was amazing. I wish I had known about this Carnival earlier. Oh well. Next time.

I, too, am obsessed with birth(s) but I have consi...

2009-11-23T20:33:31.667-08:00

I, too, am obsessed with birth(s) but I have considered teaching the coping method I prefer. Now that you mention it, Doula might be a great route... I need to check into that! I am such a hard core naturalist, though, that I'm not entirely sure how well I would do if I had a client who's opinions didn't mirror my own.

Anyway, my experiences:

My first born was Lamaze, hospital birth, with my step mother as a coach. It went smoothly. No epidural. I didn't really have a choice about my coach at the time (I was 17yo).

My second, I thought I'd want my best friend, but she was seeming terribly flighty. I was right not to choose her, considering she didn't even visit me in the hospital. I chose Bradley method and my husband as a coach. Again, hospital birth, natural delivery. My mother and sister were there for labor, but not delivery.

Now with my 2nd husband, I chose Bradley again and went to classes again (new coach and I needed a refresher anyway). I also invited my mother into the delivery room. I wanted my husband to have backup in case he needed a break. Mostly she was just support. She was very touched by witnessing our birth and I wouldn't change that for anything, either.

I considered the idea of Doulas with both of these last births, but I was certain both times that I could NOT afford one.

Oh, I could go ON and ON and ON about my births and it is one of my favorite topics to share, but suffice to say that I am satisfied with the choices I made. I, however, am the strongest advocate in my family, often times having to step in on their behalves.

You made the choices that were right for you and you should be proud of advocating to that point. Some can't even do that. Your birth experience is about YOU, not what others want (other than considering your husband, which I think was also the right way to go!).

Shut up now, Jorje, you're rambling!! (I had to shorten this post to get it to go.)

You had a great birth plan and coped well with pla...

2009-11-23T15:14:47.394-08:00

You had a great birth plan and coped well with plan B.

I think the whole you-need-an-advocate is soooo crucial. whether it be a doula or midwife or smart ass relative, someone who shares your philosophy and knows the system is critical for a new mom in the heat of labor.

I had two homebirths. both with a midwife and my hubby in the next room and my cat in the bedroom with me watching over me. I wanted to be completely alone. no eyes, no worries just focusing in on my body, the baby and the birthing canal...

Hubby was indispensible however. He was like a invisible elf, sneaking in to leave me freshly peeled and sliced apples in a bowl of ice water, extra tissues, water. He'd fill the tub with hot water when I'd ask. he was so cool and efficient even though he said (later) he was shitting bricks inside.

He and the midwife came in for when I was ready to push. They were great. and it was great having people there once the baby was born. that's the time you want to be surrounded by your loved ones.

My midwife helped me shower and hubs made me a huge plate of fettucine with mushroom sauce to eat in bed a few hours later. My mom flew in 2 days later. It was heaven.

I'm glad to hear that other people think I mad...

2009-11-22T19:01:52.654-08:00

I'm glad to hear that other people think I made the right decision, too, and that you've had similar experiences. I had this fear when writing it, probably because of a lot of pressure to hire a doula when we were planning the birth (from the midwives and the Hypnobabies forum), that doulas would get mad at me for suggesting that not hiring a doula was a valid choice. It sounds like, for those of us here, that our husbands are the type of person we want to have around. I could see some men being a really bad addition to a birthing room — but I could say the same of some women!

Michelle: That's a good idea to have your husband present and quietly supportive but not interfering when you just need time alone.

Angela: I wonder if that's part of my dream of being a midwife, to witness more births than I can possibly have myself? There's something so beautiful about the variety.

Amber: Not letting him off the hook! Exactly. :)

Karen: I'm so glad to hear a doula charm in, and I would love to hear more of your experiences with a male midwife. My NaNoWriMo novel this year was almost about a male midwife, but then I changed it at the last minute. (Random...you can ignore me.) That's really interesting to think of the pressure of having a peer attending your birth if you had hired a doula. That makes so much sense. And thanks for explaining that doulas should not advocate, because then that makes my decision that much more valid for us. I hope we do learn how to advocate for ourselves better, though.

Speaking of which, here are some additions/rebuttals from Sam! He read it but seemed hesitant about logging on to comment, so I'll just present his views here and hope I do a better job speaking for him this time. :)

First of all, his memory of the decision to do the hospital transfer was not that he was trying to talk me out of it but that he was for it but trying to make sure I agreed. He says he was concerned that I wasn't able to keep anything down, and the midwives had already used both of their IV fluid bags. He (we) thought that I might end up having to transfer later in any case for more fluids, which could end up being an emergency transfer or a post-birth transfer, in which case Mikko & I would have been separated. The option to calmly transfer in our own timeframe seemed like the better choice. I've second guessed and what-if-ed our decision to death since then, but ultimately since I can't know what would have been, I believe we probably made the right decision to transfer.

Secondly, he said that he didn't know I wasn't using my hypnosis techniques because I was so calm and quiet throughout. He was saving the triggers for when I panicked, but I didn't. In retrospect, this makes perfect sense: How can you tell when a calm, quiet person isn't fully hypnotized? Now, a hypnodoula might have been more proactive about using scripts and making sure I stayed in hypnosis. But, you know, I got through 42 hours of back labor without medication, so I guess whatever I did worked out OK. I used to blame myself for not being more of a good hypnostudent, but I'm more at peace with that now.

Thirdly, while Sam's sure he doesn't know as much about birth as a doula, he approached learning about birth with studied casualness because he didn't want to worry me by being all frantic & "Oh, noes, I don't know anything about birth! We must learn it all NOW!" The idea was that birthing was natural and normal, and he was trying to reinforce that by being calm about it in advance.

So there you are: Sam's take on my take on Sam! He should really comment more often.

I think your choices for who attended your birth w...

2009-11-22T18:17:42.110-08:00

I think your choices for who attended your birth were totally well-reasoned and valid! As a doula I feel that I need to interject that a doula should not advocate for a client. However, during prenatal preparations, a client can learn a LOT from a doula on the topic of being her own advocate and having her partner advocate for her.

For my first birth, my husband was there, and it was an ob/gyn hospital birth so... the L&D nurses popped in once in a while, I guess -- I unfortunately don't remember much. That birth ended, not surprisingly, with a c-section.

My second and third births were in the hospital with a (male) midwife. My husband was my again my birth partner. Even though by the time my third child was born I was a doula myself, I chose not to have a doula. I knew that I would be too inhibited laboring with a peer attending my birth.

Like you, I have mixed feelings about my mother not attending my birth. I really know that it would not have been a good move for me but I wish we had the relationship in which it would've worked.

I had only my husband present at both of my births...

2009-11-22T14:43:35.470-08:00

I had only my husband present at both of my births, and I would do it that way again. My husband is a very good support person, and rises to the occasion. I can't imagine anyone else would do a better job for me than he did.

I am also vaguely annoyed by people who suggest that men shouldn't be present at the birth. I've heard various reasons, and maybe for some men it really doesn't work. But I would never exclude my husband from being present as his children entered the world without a really good reason. I also sort of feel like I wouldn't let him off the hook - we went into it together, and he needs to help me through it. ;)

Lauren, I felt much the same ways you expressed. M...

2009-11-22T13:57:36.177-08:00

Lauren, I felt much the same ways you expressed. My husband was the only support person to attend each of my three births. My oldest two daughters attended the birth of their little sister and I'm so glad they did. They were old enough at 6 and 3.5 that we felt they did not need another caregiver present and they did extremely well.

The only thing that gives me pause about my decision is that I think every woman should have the opportunity to witness a safe, intervention-free birth before she gives birth herself. I wish I had had that opportunity. Knowing that millions of women have gone through labor and delivery is not the same as witnessing just one woman give birth. I wonder, do we have the responsibility, or maybe a better word is privilege, of sharing the birth experience with other mothers-to-be?

I've had 2 straightforward midwife attended ho...

2009-11-22T10:08:24.348-08:00

I've had 2 straightforward midwife attended home births, both labors fairly short. At my first, my mom and husband were present. My mom was there more for her than for me. I didn't really care one way or the other. She supports home birth. At my second, only my husband was present. He was present in the room during labor but doing his own thing, at my request. My mom was caring for my older child at her house. I was sort of planning to have my toddler present, but when my midwife arrived, I was 10 cm (had no idea). In retrospect, I would have liked to have my 2 year old present at my second birth. In the future, I will probably have my husband, children, and a caregiver for my children (and the midwife of course). I want my husband there because it is his baby, too and he still talks about how he was the first person to touch our first baby since he caught. With the second, he was supporting me in a squatting position so he was not able to catch. I generally just like to be left alone in first stage with my husband in the room doing something else (like playing computer games), with the midwife and my husband helping during second stage.