Comments on Hobo Mama: The conversation: Should we have another baby?

Love MamaMilkers comments about looking at the lon...

2010-06-21T23:00:55.292-07:00

Love MamaMilkers comments about looking at the long-term picture. We had three babies in less than 5 years. From what I can tell, the truth is that you're never really *ready* for more children. It's always overwhelming. I was overwhelmed with my first - lots of talking and discussing and debating about everything; tons of whys. I was overwhelmed with my second - crazy bouncing off the walls; looks me in the face when I tell her to do something and says "no;" never seems to connect cause and effect. I was overwhelmed by my third - a full-out mama's girl; wants to be carried all day; rarely settles down to nurse well; wants to sleep in my bed without ever actually sleeping. The thing is, I would have missed out on so much if we had not had our last two babies. My crazy second child is also incredibly sweet, funnier than you can imagine, and so content to snuggle on the couch with me and listen to a story. The baby is so sweet, sweeter than sugar. Watching her sisters love on her and watching her face light up like a spotlight when she sees them is amazing. I heard a quote that deeply resounded with me when we were talking about whether or not to have a third. "You never regret the children you have, only the ones you don't."

I'm not saying you should have more babies. There is no "right" number of children for everyone. I'm just saying that you shouldn't make your decision from a position of fear over what might be. In my experiences, the things we fear rarely come to pass, and the challenges we face are rarely ones we have anticipated.

I saw this post when I commented on the other one....

2010-04-11T22:04:18.981-07:00

I saw this post when I commented on the other one.

What a great discussion. When we (and by we I mean I) decided we (I) were ready to have #2 it took all of one try and OOPS! we (I) were pregnant! Iris was almost 18 months old when this happened.

Both of mine were, and still are, difficult. I didn't get laid back kids. Neither slept well. Both screamed a ton when they were small. Now they are totally different people and both totally hard in their own right.

Okay, this isn't convincing you. BUT-- here it is: children grow up. I constantly think of this as the bigger picture. The relatively small bit of time when I didn't sleep. The six total years I spent breastfeeding. It's all not that much in the grand scheme of things. Not being able to travel? We're closing in on the end of that. Not that we ever had money to, anyways.

We have a friend with three kids. He likes to talk about when he's an old man sitting on his lazyboy, what, or rather WHO, does he want to be surrounded by? He wanted kids. Kids' spouses. Grandkids. He envisioned his life with these kids through to the very end and I thought that was a really cool way of looking at it.

So, just saying. Look at your life in a year, five years, ten years, 20 years. See what it feels like to have your child/ren graduating high school, getting married, all that fun stuff.

Kind of crazy, huh?

I'm one of those lucky to be the older one kid...

2009-12-09T21:06:33.650-08:00

I'm one of those lucky to be the older one kids, as I've heard the "If your brother had been first he'd have been an only child" line more than a few times.

And I am a SAHM with a vocation for parenting, but that's not all my life - it's not even all my blog, but the thing is the blog isn't specifically about Little Foot or my parenting journey. I imagine a lot of blissful-seeming mommyblogger sorts look that complete because they're not talking about the rest of everything in their lives in their blogs ....

(Hi! I ... don't think I've commented before. So Hi!)

I'm one of those lucky to be the older one kid...

2009-12-09T21:06:32.085-08:00

Our first daughter was and still is a "spirit...

2009-12-07T17:08:04.634-08:00

Our first daughter was and still is a "spirited" or "high needs" child. For the first two years of her life all she did was scream. And I had the patience of a saint until she hit 2 and then it started to go downhill from there because she just wasn't getting any better. We had her assessed for autism spectrumm disorder. All the professionals who saw her thought for sure he had it - probably Asperger's Syndrome, but she didn't. She had nothing. Before she came along all I knew is that I wanted at least one child, maybe two. Once she arrrived I wasn't so sure I wanted another. In fact, when I got pregnant with the second one I cried. If she'd been planned we definitely would have waited until the first was 2 1/2 or 3. As it was she was only 19 months when we concieved #2. Our second daughter's arrival and presence couldn't be more different and having her helps balance everyone out. But know when I tell you I was scared Sh*tless at the prospect of mothering two high needs children. It's a hard decision but the very fact you are being responsible about the decision means you will make the right one.

What mom hasn't been there? My first was easy,...

2009-12-07T11:44:15.422-08:00

What mom hasn't been there? My first was easy, but then I was very young and my mother adopted her at about 6 months.

My 2nd was pretty easy (and 8 years later). I had hard core baby fever for a while after that, too, but my husband wasn't on board with the child we DID have, so another wasn't an easy argument.

Then when I got pregnant with my 3rd, it was not a good time for us and we chose to terminate that pregnancy (please don't throw things at me, it was right for us). I'd had baby fever

I didn't expect to ever have any more children. There was talk of "fixing" my husband. Then I got a divorce and hooked up with a much younger man, young enough to still be making such choices. We unexpectedly got pregnant with his 2nd child. I debated keeping this one, but in his heart he hoped I'd keep it. At 36yo, the pregnancy was a lot rougher on me. And I'd been a WAHM before. Being a FT working mom this time has been rough, too.

There has been talk of ME getting fixed. I *kept* asking him if he was sure. I think in the back of my mind, I hoped he'd say he really did want another, but she is certainly more difficult than my other two. And he is home alone with her while I'm at work 40 hours a week. He feels done now. So we probably won't have any more, but I still haven't actually said NEVER... just yet.

I think this is something we all have room to decide and re-decide until a permanent change is made. Good luck to you on your own choices. I do hope you adopt, that is a wonderful thing to do!

Of course you should have another baby! I just th...

2009-12-06T20:10:10.957-08:00

Of course you should have another baby!

I just think if you've got another one in ya, you've got another one in ya, and you just know.

Oh wow, I could really have written this post at t...

2009-12-06T13:57:45.605-08:00

Oh wow, I could really have written this post at the moment! We originally thought we might have two, but if we did there would be a big gap - about 5 years or so. I didn't count on feeling so damn broody though. I really understand what you're saying about wanting another chance to do things differently a second time and maybe for the birth and breastfeeding to go better. Also, the fears about coping with two, especially when perhaps you are beginning to develop a new life as a threesome and then having to adjust all that again to accomodate another child and a changed dynamic.

We've had several discussions and we're pretty sure we want another. We're now going back and forth about timings, practicalities etc. We've decided to wait a few more months, until our daughter is two in April and then make a decision about starting to try again...

It's such a mind bender. Constantly running t...

2009-12-06T11:26:36.946-08:00

It's such a mind bender. Constantly running through my mind are thoughts like: "So-and-so had kids 22 months apart and that means that if I was her I would already be x months pregnant...". If I got pregnant now my babies would be 2 years apart, and for some people that's desirable! But with my current bundle of love, I just cannot imagine being able to look after a newborn in addition to meeting all her demands.

We do definitely want another, but I just don't know when the time will be right.

I'm one of those "just a mom" moms. ...

2009-12-06T08:19:47.878-08:00

I'm one of those "just a mom" moms. Just a mom RIGHT NOW, that is. I used to do other things and I will do other things in the future. My kids are 27 months apart and I'm nursing both of them. It does consume my life, but we chose this life and I love it. There is nothing I would rather do. There are other things I'd like to do, but nothing I would *rather* do. We plan to keep on having kids, but not so close together if we can help it. We have other things to plan around, which is why our first two are so close together.

I think you've just got to decide what you want to do RIGHT NOW and worry less about the future. Having another kid won't consume your life forever. I personally think that the more kids AP parents have, the better. =) I also think adoption is great and I've always hoped to do that, but not right now.

Excellent post that affirms our decision that two ...

2009-12-06T08:01:01.763-08:00

Excellent post that affirms our decision that two is a good number for us.

I came from a family of four and was very surprised when it felt OK just to have one child. We felt complete. He filled our lives so much that it seemed odd that we could have room for more. And like you said, caring for a baby is the hardest job out there.

And having the second was harder and easier than having the first.

I honestly think most people go through this "...

2009-12-05T08:05:44.577-08:00

I honestly think most people go through this "can we? should we?" back and forth before they have another one. I know I was absolutely convinced that, even though I wanted another baby, I would never be able to love that baby as much as my first one. Yeah.... I was wrong about that. Someone once told me that "love doesn't divide, it multiplies" meaning that each child multiplies the love of all your children. It's true.

I also have some bias about this issue though. My husband and I are both Only Children... which we call "Lonely Children." It absolutely (insert many expletives here) SUCKED for us. My god, we both ache for siblings like you wouldn't believe. No matter what, we'll always be the only person responsible for taking care of our parents when they're older (which I think is a cruelly huge responsibility to put on any one person). We will never have anyone in the world who understands what it's like to be raised by the people who raised us, and we'll never have anyone who shares our genetic makeup. To me, having a second baby was just as much (if not more) of a gift to our first child as it was to us.

And when you see your kids together, that is a whole new kind of love. I say it creates triple the love. You love the first one, you love the second one, and then you love them as a unit. It's too beautiful.

anyway, that's my 2 cents.

As you know, I've come out of my shell enough ...

2009-12-05T07:47:46.768-08:00

As you know, I've come out of my shell enough to post about this on my blog.

For me it's not about going through all of the rationalizations on the pros and cons. It's about what my heart submerged in complete peace is asking for. I guess I'm lucky that DH has the "it's your body/i was happy with just you, this is icing on the cake" attitude.

Best of luck for everyone going through this process.

I'm sorry, are you me?? :) This post really r...

2009-12-05T06:56:31.318-08:00

I'm sorry, are you me?? :)
This post really resonated with me - it sounds like our sons are very similar in temperament. In fact your line about "He needed the attachment way. But he just didn't magically become an easy baby because of it" is exactly the sentiment I've expressed to many people in my own circle of friends. In fact, I am about 95% convinced that even if I had *wanted* to go back to work, my son would not have ever adjusted to being in someone else's care. I tried a part time job for 2 weeks - he never stopped crying (and he was with a close family friend who he loves).
This part too "And if we had another, I would spend every moment (well, regular amounts, at least) treasuring each memory and milestone, because I would know it was my last" is something that I have been discussing recently with some friends who are all wondering about whether to have one more. Of course I have cherished Kieran's babyhood, but I don't think it would be the same if I knew he was going to be the last one.
I just can't imagine having child #2 with the same temperament as #1 - I think I'd go clinically insane. But I do feel like there is a newborn waiting for me. We have also discussed adoption, but I don't think I'm quite ready to go down that road yet.

We went on like this for months before deciding to...

2009-12-04T23:32:27.045-08:00

We went on like this for months before deciding to have our second baby. For us it was mostly financial fears. In the end, we threw caution to the wind and are glad we did, because I am now staying home and (usually) love it. After a disappointing hospital birth with the first baby, I did get the homebirth of my dreams.

The worst thing is that Ivey (the baby) can be soooo demanding. She is going through a fussy, screechy stage. At least I hope it's a stage. It is just so unnerving to be screamed at all day.

I'd do it over again though. Our two-year-old, Suzi, loves her little sister to pieces. She says Ivey is HERS and to BRING HER BACK if one of us leaves the room with her. If she cries, Suzi is there trying to comfort her. It's sweet, but most of all it makes me glad that they'll have each other when they get older. I have two brothers who were 15 and 17 years old when I was born, so I never got to grow up with a close sibling. My brothers and I weren't kids at the same time.

So, anyway, it was a tough choice, but we're glad we did it and we definitely plan to do it again. I see us having a big family. Having another baby is challenging for sure, but not as much as I'd imagined! Good luck with your decision :-)

Other than the adoption aspect, I am so completely...

2009-12-04T23:23:29.570-08:00

Other than the adoption aspect, I am so completely there with you. I always said "at least three years between pregnancies" and that no way was I getting pregnant while still nursing -- but both of those lines are rapidly coming up! The Man still isn't sure he wants another, and although I pretty much am, when I stop to consider the logistics, I think I must be manic again. We're just getting to where we're considering daycare so I can have some time to write, and in a year or so I'll have my massage license, and that seems like a HORRIBLE time to reset the clock and have another child. And I'm barely coping as is. And I barely survived infancy without an older hanging around. And as Elita mentioned, we're doing OK now, but with another, the money issue comes up again. Ack!

Excellent post. You needn't have worried: you covered the topic with your usual nuance and intelligence. Thank you.

You have no idea how much I have been thinking abo...

2009-12-04T22:55:20.310-08:00

You have no idea how much I have been thinking about this lately as well. My son turned 2 today and I REALLY REALLY want another baby. Hubby? Not so much. In an ideal world (ie, one in which we are wealthy and can provide our kids with any and everything), he says he'd have a village. I love being a mom and would love to have a house full of kids running around. I'm an only child and come from a small family and just really crave that feeling of being surrounded by lots of people to love and who love you back. But parenting is so hard and even though I really want another kid (at least one more...and a girl, please!) I worry about the strain on our relationship and on my mental state. I am surprised no one mentioned money so far as a motivation to not have another kid. We live a very nice, middle class lifestyle in an expensive city. If we had another kid, we'd have to give up a lot and struggle a lot more as well. But like you, I want to have the experience of a home birth, I want to breastfeed a new little baby, I want to love another little person. Then sometimes I remember those newborn days and think, "Are you nuts?" I'd also like to adopt a baby from Haiti and ideally would like to breastfeed, so would like to do that soon, while it would still be reasonably possible and easier. These things are so complicated!

I having been thinking about writing a post on thi...

2009-12-04T20:56:09.330-08:00

I having been thinking about writing a post on this very topic, too! (Although I'm not surprised, you always beat me to the punch--do you read minds???)

You bring up an interesting point...about getting closer to your pre-child marriage. Some parents want to space all their children close together to "get it over with" but what happened to their marriage? I feel like I need time to recover. WE need time to recover. Our marriage does. Oh, well, I guess it isn't that way for everyone.

In my situation, I feel so content with my child that I sort of feel like we could be done. But I've always wanted more than one (I initially wanted 3-4, and I'm still open to that if it feels right). And I would be sad if I never had a girl. So there will be more. But not now! Let the first one be done being a baby first. (I totally plan on putting my first to work helping out when the next one comes along!)

My first child was what I would affectionately ter...

2009-12-04T20:38:01.623-08:00

My first child was what I would affectionately term "spirited". She is just a LOT of kid in a small but surprisingly loud package. Plus, her birth did a number on me in a number of ways, mostly because she was 6 weeks early and I hemorrhaged and so it was far less than ideal.

When my lovely spirited child was small, I remember saying that I was surprised by how I felt that if I never had another child again, that would be OK. I was shell-shocked, frankly. It wasn't until she was almost 2 that I was able to consider having another baby. I'd always wanted at least 2, but it took a lot of getting over stuff to actually consider having another.

Then, we started trying to conceive, and we didn't. For more than 7 months, nothing. And by the time I reached that point, I was so NOT COOL with the idea of never having another baby. Thankfully I did eventually conceive, and my son was born 3 1/2 years after my daughter, and is a WAY more mellow child.

Having another baby or not is never an easy choice, and there's no perfect situation. But I think that most people do find that their 2nd child is easier, and that the 1st experience is the most jarring. You're likely not in for that again.

"I just can't get into the mindset of bei...

2009-12-04T20:17:20.835-08:00

"I just can't get into the mindset of being a mother as my life's work, and I sometimes envy those who can embrace that perspective."

Right there with ya... yes, I love him, yes, I'd do just about anything for him, but when it boils down to it, I can't do EVERYTHING FOR HIM. There has to be something left for me, or maybe of me...

good luck with the mulling and the deciding. Sometimes I think that those who chose to be open to life and relinquish control over deciding how many children and when the next child will come have it kind of nice- they don't have to worry so much about doing the right thing since, in their mind, it's all up to a divine plan anyway.

i agree with accidental pharmacist.. my mom said m...

2009-12-04T17:00:38.324-08:00

i agree with accidental pharmacist.. my mom said my brother was a tough baby and then the next two were very easy going. they're all different! it seems that in my family we have high needs baby boys to break us in right (my sister and i both have boys that can be grumpiwumps).

and i worry about those moms that are happy with doing nothing but mothering. what happens when the kids grow up and move on? it seems important to keep some sense of self throughout so that you're not lost and lonely when the birdies leave the nest.

My MIL swears that her first baby (my hubby) was t...

2009-12-04T15:43:20.998-08:00

My MIL swears that her first baby (my hubby) was totally laid back and if she'd had her second one first (his sister) she'd only have had one. With that in mind, maybe your next will be more Jack Johnson, less Metallica.